Thursday Question of the Day!

Today’s Question:  What is something you feel is missing in your life?

For me right now, it’s local friends.

I have tons of online friends.

I have an amazing, fulfilling, relationship.

I have my derby friends who I see at roller derby events and scrimmages.

I have my best friend who I see on gym days, and really almost every day.

But it would be really nice to have other people to do things with locally.  I’m an incredibly social being and I love the idea of just having people I can call up and say “let’s grab lunch” or “let’s go to the mall” and I’d love a variety of people to do this with.

I’m working on getting out more to places where making friends is possible, but it’s hard because most people I meet are very busy and I’m pretty busy, so finding time in the calendar is difficult and eventually people give up.  Plus, with mental illness in the way, sometimes I’m not the most in touch friend.

What about you, what are you missing?

Soul Sucking Sadness

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

Trigger Warning:  Suicidal Thoughts

It is amazing how quickly I go from “eh, I’m having a bit of a rough time, but things are pretty good.” to “Holy shit, I’m in over my head and my thoughts are scaring me.”

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

 

It’s hard to believe that 5 days ago I was proposing to my future wife and today I’m thinking about ending my life.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m mostly safe.  I know the thoughts are just thoughts and I’m able to let them pass through without acting on them, but sometimes they’re getting awful loud.

I am supposed to be away at a conference today and tomorrow.  Was supposed to leave a few hours ago.  The school paid for my ticket and lodging and I was going to ride up with Batwoman.  I was really looking forward to the topic and the discussions that I’d be a part of.  But my anxiety kicked in so badly that I just couldn’t go.  I started looking for any escape to avoid it, including the idea of death and that’s when I realized I just needed to give myself permission to cancel.

It fucking sucks though, because I wanted to be there, and on top of that I’m letting people down by not going.  Batwoman got stuck going alone and dealing with her own anxiety, and the school is out the money they paid for my ticket, and there are probably people who wanted to go and couldn’t because I said I was going and now I didn’t.

It’s one of those times where taking care of myself and doing what I knew I had to do makes me feel like a total fuck up.  One of those times where my mental health feels like it has total control of me and like I’ll never really get control of it.

I cancelled going to Roller Derby last night as well, for the same reason.  My anxiety is out of control.  I’m not quite to the point where I can’t leave the house, but anything having to do with crowds of people and the thought of it makes me want to recoil.  Normally I can push past it, but right now it just feels like too much.  The thought of pushing beyond the anxiety makes me literally suicidal.

If I’m dead I don’t have to deal with this anxious bullshit.

If I’m dead I don’t have to keep letting people down.

If I’m dead I don’t have to keep fighting my own brain just to live an average life.

If I’m dead I don’t have to worry about becoming home bound again.

If I’m dead I don’t have to worry.

Wonder Woman is going out of town for the weekend and I’ve already played out the fact that it would be two days before anyone found me.

Of course I immediately chastised myself for even having those thoughts, but they’re there.  What good is it beating myself up for thoughts, I just let them pass through, but this is what it’s like in my head when it gets dark up there.

So, I take more of the medication that I’m supposed to increase when this stuff happens.  I get myself out of bed early and make myself do the dishes and follow some sort of routine.  I sit down and write and shine some light into all of the dark spaces.

And I hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Wednesday Question of the Day!

Halfway there! How is your week so far?

I’m still fighting grief with some depression mixed in. Also still on cloud nine because I have a fiancée! I skipped school yesterday and got a lot done that needed doing and today I have DBT. I’m supposed to leave for a conference tomorrow morning but I’m having a ton of anxiety about it and might back out.

Overall it’s a medium week.

How about your week?

Tuesday-Question of the Day!

Would you want to relive the best year of your life if it meant you also had to relive the worst?

Absolutely fucking not.

For one, we’re not meant to go back, good or bad. I’m right where I’m meant to be, here in the present.

For two, I don’t want to go through losing Parker again. No way. There isn’t enough of anything in the world.

What about you?

Joy Sucking Ghost Wife

This is a Really Real Widow Post.

I’m supposed to be on cloud nine right now.

And on one hand I am (Probably my left hand, the one wearing my shiny new ring.)

On the other hand, I’m stuck in widow hell.

There is so much grief over my happiness.  Grief I didn’t expect.  And I don’t know what to do with it, where to put it, where to store it this time around.  You’d think by now, I’d be used to this.

Every major event brings with it mourning because Parker isn’t here to see it and be a part of it.

But I don’t want Parker to be a part of my engagement to Wonder Woman.

I also hate that Parker has to be dead for me to have an engagement to Wonder Woman.

And I just want to be engaged, lovingly engaged, happily engaged, without it pulling up all of these feelings about a ghost.  It’s as if I’m still afraid of hurting her even though she’s dead and gone.  But I don’t even want to be thinking about any of this, I just want to be engaged.

A woman, engaged, to her fiancee.

I don’t want to be a widow right now.  I just want to enjoy this ring on my finger.

But the more I push these emotions away, the more I push them down and the more I reject this grief, the more it will push back.

I just need to learn how to let these emotions have their space with this.  They caught me off guard with the intensity and persistence and I wasn’t prepared.  Sometimes grief comes back up at inopportune times, and I don’t really get a choice in that.

I feel guilty about it.  I feel guilty for being a widow who is now engaged, and I feel guilty for being engaged and thinking about my widowhood.

Widowing ain’t easy.

Monday Question of the Day!

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If you could convince everyone in the world to do one thing at least once, what would it be?

I would convince everyone to do a professional photo shoot.  Photos are so important and no matter how many reasons you convince yourself that you need to wait to be thinner, happier, have a better home, better reason, better clothes, more money, etc.  Just get the photos done.  I’m so glad my fiancee and I went and I really wish my late wife and I would have made the time/found the money to get a set done at least once.

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The Question?

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

And a Really Real Relationship Post.

And a Really Real Widow Post.

This is a post I’m writing Saturday morning but I won’t post till at least Saturday night because Wonder Woman cannot know about it.

I’m more anxious than I can ever remember being, and I cannot talk to the one person I want to talk to most.

I’ve kept secrets all week long from the one person I don’t want to keep secrets from.

But it’s for her own good.

Tonight is the night.

Tonight I ask her to marry me.  Tonight I ask her to be my forever.  A step I wasn’t sure I’d ever want to take again after it was taken from me so suddenly.

Right now I’m more anxious than I can ever remember being but also more excited.  I’m thinking of all of the things that can go wrong tonight, but also thinking of the look on her face and all the ways this can go right.

I’m not a great secret keeper, I think she has it figured out by now, that it’s happening tonight, but she has no way of knowing when or how.

She’s done so many amazing things with me, taken me on trips and experiences that I’ve never gotten to have before.  I wanted her to have this experience.  I wanted our derby people to be there to see this.  I wanted the world to see this.  I’m so thankful that from my little idea of “I want it to happen at the roller derby bout” to this final idea, there has been so much input from the people around us.  This wasn’t just me, it was a group effort and it is going to be amazing.

But I’m so very fucking anxious.  I don’t do crowds and I don’t do public speaking and tonight I’ll be standing up in front of a crowd with a mic to ask my girl to marry me.

But I don’t get to leave my widowhood behind, even in this, unfortunately.  Mixed in with the excitement and the anxiety is a guilt.  Is it too soon, am I leaving Parker behind by moving forward.  Am I forgetting who she was and what we had by asking someone else to stand in the space she once held.  Am I giving up my title of widow because I want to take on the title of wife?

There’s also a grief.  The grief of knowing how much I have grieved to be at this place after 2 years and 9 months.  I couldn’t have predicted this, and in the shock of my newly formed grief I couldn’t have believed that in less than 3 years I’d be asking another woman to marry me.  I didn’t think I’d ever believe in forever again.

But I’m not naive.  Forever is something we hope for, and wish for, and strive for.  But even a ring doesn’t guarantee forever.  It can be taken away in an instant.  I could go to bed a fiance, go to bed a wife, and wake up a widow, again.  I’m constantly thinking of all of the things that can go wrong in a relationship, all the things that can go wrong in our life.

But I’m also thinking of all of the things that can go right.

With this knowledge I am asking Wonder Woman to marry me.

I’m the most excited, and the most anxious, I can ever remember being.

Tonight is the night.

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And she said yes!