Self Saving

Sometimes self saving means hanging onto a ledge for hours on a Saturday morning unsure of the right way to start climbing up.

Even though you know that the mountain of emotions and thoughts and fears feel so real, you also know how much depression can lie.

But battling logic and emotions early on a Saturday morning when all you want to do is get up and get ready to have a great evening with wonderful people…

And one amazing woman in particular…

Reminds you that no matter how far you come it’s likely you will spend a lifetime fighting this battle.

And all you can do is lie there and think about just how easy it would be to slip out of this world and just how peaceful it can look.

And so self saving starts to look like hanging on to that ledge and throwing out lifelines. And when none are catching you just keep throwing until someone grabs hold.

And I’m thankful that yesterday someone grabbed, again. And helped get me out of the bed and out of my head and then came over to help me get going.

I’m thankful for the people who listen even when they don’t know what to say. And I’m thankful for the people that grab hold and help pull me up when they can.

Happy Birthday

This is one of those really real grief and widowhood posts.

Today is Parker’s birthday. The second one we will never get to celebrate with her.

I woke up this morning in a city I had never been to before, next to a woman I love, getting ready to spend the day watching a sport I’m becoming mildly obsessed with (HA!) that’s made up of a tribe of incredibly amazing women. (Or should I say, self saving warrior princesses maybe? Nah, they’ll kick my ass and they could do that!). I’m doing all of these incredibly happy and wonderful things.

And under all of the incredible happiness for who and where I am right this moment I felt that deep pit in my chest because today, is the second birthday Parker will never celebrate and fuck, that hurts. I miss her and I mourn for her and fuck, it HURTS.

I love my life, and where I am right this moment. I’m thankful for all of the lessons I’ve learned but I seriously wish I could have learned them without the loss.

But then I wouldn’t be where I’m meant to be I guess.

And I love where I am, and who I am so, I guess I still wouldn’t change a thing.

Sometimes life is great and still hurts like hell at the same time.

Happy Birthday up there my #fireflybutt. Always and Forever, Forever and Always in a diffferent sort of way!