*** Trigger warning – Suicidal ideation, my own.
This is also one of my longer posts. And I’m putting that before I even start writing it.
This has been another hard week, and everytime I think I see the sun peeking out, it comes back even darker. This is absolutely the worst time of year for me. The worst of my depression is February and March. Last year I realized it through facebook memories, so at least this year it isn’t catching me off guard and I know that it’s just seasonal depression and I just need to hold on for 6 more weeks. That doesn’t make it go away, it doesn’t magically fix it.
I can go to the gym and “work it out” and while it’s good that I do that, it doesn’t fix the thoughts. I still come home and clean my entire house because the racing thoughts won’t stop, and as soon as I sit still in the quiet, my stupid brain reminds me.
Of every dumb thing I did in ‘2 months shy of 8 years’ of a relationship that ended in death. Every time I expected her to push through and do more, when she felt Just. Like. This.
And of the chance I have to repeat that. And how I should just duck and run now before I take a chance on destroying someone else. She deserves so much more and I’m not good enough.
And then it starts in on how my ‘boss’ said I look tired this week, and that maybe I should just work one day instead of rescheduling monday since we’re closed. And how she’s not really my boss cause I’m not getting paid because I’m not good enough for paid work.
And I try to sit down for schoolwork but I can’t get words out and I can’t make it through a page of reading before I’m in tears at how I’m not even good enough for school because I can’t find the words or make my brain focus on a page. Or even make myself focus long enough to do school.
And that I’m nothing but a failure and will be a disabled nothing the rest of my life. Not even a stay at home mom and wife anymore because those things don’t exist.
So then I decide I just need to sleep. So I lay down, but the thoughts go around and around and I can’t shut them off. Music isn’t helping unless I play it too loud to sleep through.
I decide on melatonin, but as soon as I touch the bottle the thought flashes . . how many would it take for it to just go away permanently. And then I feel like a failure for letting those thoughts back in. And I take a Melatonin knowing that the next day it’ll be even harder to wake up because drugged sleep doesn’t work the same for me.
I feel all of it slipping away, I’ve done so so well and I know that I can probably pick it all back up again, but how long does it take to fail school or lose a job or fuck up a relationship?
And when I’m out around people it’s so much easier to push it all away and look like I’m fine because the energy drowns out those thoughts. I can be distracted, but I can’t get school done while I’m running away from my own thoughts. I can’t always just push through and get things done.
Because the pushing through is not letting myself just lay here and get sucked under. The pushing through is not letting the fleeting thoughts about the bottles of pills become the primary thought. The pushing through is not preemptively quitting everything, and instead doing the best I can between now and when this wave passes.
I am trying so hard and then a wave like this comes through and erases everything I’ve done.
Or maybe not everything, because I still know it is a wave, and it will pass. Where before all I could see was the wave and it meant there was no reason to live.
Now I know that I just need to hold on for another few hours, and then maybe I can focus, and if not then, I’ll wait another few hours, and another few.
And if it all falls apart, that’s fine too, because I’ll still be alive to try again.