Sometimes being a self saving warrior princess means making the call to get help, even if it feels like failure.
I made that call this morning, and this afternoon I started at a mental health partial hospitalization program. While the mundane world is working I’ll be in many different group therapies and medication management and coming home at night to cuddle my girl and all of the four legged things.
I am back to going from fine and productive to lethargic to angry to suicidal to so anxious I can’t breathe at a moments notice, often it’s a combination of all of them.
I hate this.
But at least I’m alive to hate it and right now that’s what’s most important. I’m sure at some point I will fully realize that this is okay but right now being back in this program feels horrible and I want to fight it but I know I can’t.
The only way I see to fight it is to end it and that isn’t an option either.
I need to be healthy again.
Not only is this caused in part by trauma, but the whole situation feels triggering and traumatizing.
This is so much harder now.
I. Hate. This.
I want my badass self back.