Impostor Syndrome

Some people have impostor syndrome when they are doing big positive things like presentations or working or, you know… adulting.

I have impostor syndrome when my mental illness flares.

“I can’t really be this person, I mean, it must just be for attention. I should snap out of it”

“Am I just trying to start drama and seeking attention like everyone says we are?”

Where are those boot straps I’m supposedly able to pull myself up by?

And then I stand outside at the corner of a building panting and texting Wonder Woman inside just to let her know I’m okay but can’t even walk across the rink. Feeling like a fucking asshole for leaving the way I did.

I did what I needed to do after I left. I walked. I texted Mickey. We walked together. We got ice cream. I stayed safe.

And the whole time I questioned myself. Maybe I’m making it all up. Maybe I’m faking it.

But who the fuck wants to feel like this? Who wants to talk themselves into this? Why would I think that’s happening?

The whole world keeps telling me to pull myself up by my bootstraps. And I will, but it’s not something I can do by will alone. It takes work, and not just running away from the emotions like I’ve spent the last two years doing (well duhhhh who didn’t see that coming, I did).

But this isn’t fake, and I can’t exercise it out (but it’ll help) and I can’t lose it through weight loss (healthy eating helps though) and I do have to push through some things but sometimes I’m going to walk into a situation that’s too much and I’m going to fucking bolt.

Thank god I don’t need anyone else to tell me that’s okay (external validation is helpful but yeah, I’m totally valid.)

But I’m letting you know that I feel this way because chances are, you do too. We just never talk about it.

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