Time to figure out another new normal.
Yesterday was the last day of the partial hospitalization program that I’ve spent the last 6 weeks in. Now I’m about to start a PRP and figure out how to structure the majority of my days without the benefit of full day program 5 days a week telling me what to do and when.
I’m going to miss it honestly.
Group therapy is hard to find outside of that sort of program, they don’t stay together because people don’t show up, and each time I end up in a program like Partial the one thing that works the most is group therapy and when I leave, I miss it terribly.
Last night I made a series of bad decisions with good intentions, plus had a lot on my mind about “what’s next” and ended up laying awake most of the night. Two hours of sleep does not make for a well rested Tina. I think I have therapy at 9 but then I realized the reminder never came out yesterday. I think we may have talked about her not being available this week . . . did we cancel . . .fucking concussion. I hate morning appointments because sending my therapist a text message ass early AM saying “did I fuck up times” is not on the list of things I like to do.
Also, I could use the appointment.
At least I ended up at the gym last night, even if it was from 11pm till midnight. I should know that 11pm gym means I won’t sleep. But I had made a commitment to myself. Figuring out how to make it all fit is hard work.
The intake for the new program is Friday. I’m not sure what it’ll look like but it’s only half day and I only have to go 3 days a week. I’ll pick from a list of groups/classes to see what fits me. None of it is therapy based. I’m not sure how long I’ll be there. It could be a few weeks, it could be indefinitely.
I’m hoping to get back to United Way at least one day a week. I miss them there. Slow and steady though. I’m trying not to take on more than I can handle. People keep mentioning NAMI to me as something to get involved with as well. I’m also looking forward to the meet up I’ve started. Lots of options for volunteering in a fulfilling fashion that would keep me going mentally, and help me with healing and processing at the same time. Not many for financially supporting myself though. It sucks that I can give my time away to all of these places but to do things in a paid capacity I need at least a bachelors degree.
Also . . .
I found myself saying, yet again, yesterday. “That particular thing you ask me to do is hard for me because of this particular thing that happened in my past so please be patient with me.”
Special Snowflake Trauma Girl is triggered again.
This wasn’t even a trauma thing that happened when I was younger, it was just a thing, but because of that thing on a top of other things, it makes me super anxious when . . .
Damn I’ve had a fucked up life.
It’s Not Fair.
And that’s not some kid temper tantrum saying I don’t like this.
That’s adult me saying fuck this. so many people had NO RIGHT to do most of what they did. And life should not have shit on me so many times, but it did, and I handled it the best I could.
I’ve spent too many years feeling like I’m too much when the truth is my life was too much for me to have to handle and it wasn’t fair TO ME and I kept handling it so anyone who can’t handle me needs to walk away (holy run on batman). I’ve stood up and handled this shit for almost 38 years now. I deserve people around me who can handle who I am, as I am Right Now while I’m doing what I can to get better.
And that’s the newest new normal I guess.
Damn . . . I hope I have therapy this morning.
Welcome to my life as I journal in a public forum, please remember the exits are here, here, here, here, here, everywhere! (I need to watch Aladdin again)
Text message just came in, I do have therapy this morning, thank goodness.