Hijacked

Sometimes I feel like my life has been hijacked by my past. Trauma on top of trauma, constantly in fight, flight or freeze. I’m constantly preparing for the next time that I need to fight someone for what is right, run from a situation because it’s wrong for me, or just freeze because I can’t handle it. It’s all I know how to do. My body is hijacked by this trauma response.

Today did not go how I planned.

Prior to all of this I’ve barely done anything with Derby in weeks because it’s been too much.

Fight, Flight, Freeze.

I don’t know what made me sign up to work this tournament. I swore I wasn’t going to do this stuff unless it was for Charm or DC and for some reason I thought this was a Charm run event, and it is, but it isn’t, and the head official doesn’t know me and I was put in a position I didn’t know and it set off the day in a total panic mode.

Now I’m frustrated at myself and the situation and I want to run away from derby completely. I love the people of derby and I have so much support at Charm but at the same time I feel like I can’t handle even NSOing which is supposed to be simple. I want to skate eventually and I can’t even keep score without panicking during a busy jam. How the fuck would I handle being out there.

I’m being held hostage by my past and it’s not fair.

None of it is fair and honestly I want my fucking life back. I’m working so fucking hard to get through this stuff and I want to know when I get the joy back.

For that matter I want to know when the flashbacks stop. I know that everyone gets upset when they see an injury, but when do I stop seeing Parker and Draven’s face every time they take the helmet off someone with a head or leg injury?

How do I know if I pushing too hard or not hard enough?

How do I know if I’m asking too much from those who run this sport when I say that I want to take part in this whether it’s by NSOing or taking part in training to skate, but I want them to be trauma aware or simply to listen to what I can or can’t do.

When does my life stop being hijacked?

I’m learning to stop saying sorry for the emotional space I take up but instead to thank those who hold space for me, and it makes a world of difference in the way of gratitude but damnit, when do I stop feeling like those same people are going to get tired of holding space. When am I going to stop feeling so damn guilty for needing so much space.

It’s not fair, and I’m grieving for the little girl that went through so much in school, and the adult that went through so much, and for me now who is still trying to overcome 30some years of bullshit that I Did Not Deserve.

I don’t deserve to have my life hijacked anymore.

I want my life back.

I don’t want to be a hostage anymore.

Fuck I’m angry tonight. I just wanted a good derby weekend and instead I spent a lot of today in a car crying again and I’m tired of this shit.

I want my joy back.

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