Dreams

Dreams are weird.

Parker doesn’t show up in mine often, but she has twice in the last 3 months and both times she seems like she belongs there during the dream and when I wake up I’m not sad like a lot of people talk about, I’m contemplative. The dreams helped me figure something out, or move someplace in grief or in growth that I’ve been stuck. It’s like she’s shown up both times to tell me, it’s okay, you can move forward again. And of course typing that makes me cry.

When I started dating I had this feeling that ghost wife would always be this third part of my relationship, and lately I almost felt like a bad widow because while I still have definite grief moments, my relationship is twosome and doesn’t include a ghost.

Thank goodness, right?

And what kind of an incredible person is Wonder Woman for entering into a three way relationship with a ghost as the third partner.

I’ve been setting the widow title down more and more, setting it aside in favor of just being Tina, a person who is helping herself heal from years of traumatic events, a person who sometimes screws up, but is allowed those mistakes as everyone else is. I’m resilient as fuck. I’m one of the most loving people you’ll ever come across.

My widowhood is another piece of me. As is my motherhood. Defining myself based on other people got me in trouble emotionally when my stay at home wife and mother status became widowed, empty-nester. Then what do I do?

I’m still figuring out what’s next and honestly that’s what we’re all doing. It’s a full time job right there.

Anyway. I woke up from the dream realizing that even though I’d been doing it for awhile, I didn’t need to feel guilty about setting down the burden of widowhood. It’s not like I get to go back and be with her again. She’s not an option and honestly, the person she was frozen in time as, wouldn’t be a good fit for who I am now, as strange as that is to say.

Her growth was cut short, and mine wasn’t, and it’s my job to keep moving forward, and that’s what I want to do anyway. I’m happy with my life. She would be so proud of me for saying that. For that matter, I’m proud of me for being able to say that.

And BOOM, tears for the third time writing this.

Damnit Parker quit that.

Seeing her in the dreams is nice. I have a weird mix of beliefs when it comes to ghosts and spirits and heaven and where exactly she is but I do think it’s her in some strange way telling me what I need to hear. And what I already know.

And even if it’s just my memory of her showing up in dream form, that’s fine too, it’s nice to see her face again and hear her voice. I do really really miss her.

Widowing isn’t easy, isn’t that what I tend to say?

Where are my damn tissues.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s