Stability is scary stuff after a major mental health relapse.
Is it for real this time or is this the beginning of mania. Did I just forget my medication and so I’m swinging some different way? Is the wind just blowing in the wrong direction?
Once I figure that I might be stable I feel like a house of cards. I’m afraid for a long while. Will the wrong amount of stimulation push me over. Too much sleep or not enough. Do I head to this gathering or make myself stay home, which one is more beneficial?
Have I really been stable, or am I forgetting some episode and not remembering how recent it’s been.
And why exactly am I over analyzing all of this?
That last one is easy to answer. I can’t remember the last time I’ve gone more than 3 months without a medication tweak. This level needs to go up, this one needs to go down, we need to add this or take that away. Some of them can be checked with blood tests but others are based on my moods and stability.
Mood journals are great in theory but having the follow through to do them is hard, and how do I describe my mood on so many different axis every day. How do I begin to actually chart that out and follow it. How many times a day would I have to ask myself these questions?
Rate the following on a scale from 1-10.
How many times a day would these things change?
Mania and depression seem like two opposites but at my worst I’m both at the same time, and often don’t realize it until it’s too late because they mask each other and almost seem like stability. Where does anxiety cross into paranoia? Where does rational anger over a situation cross into general irritability that needs to be noted?
Anxiety over falling backwards is another reason I constantly analyze this. I feel like I’m doing better but am I making the right choices? I feel like one wrong choice could be the last wrong choice I make. That feels like less of a threat the further away from the suicidal ideations I get, but I know that they could come back so so quickly, it’s been weeks since they were so bad I was barely functional.
That’s a sobering thought.
But for this weekend at least, I feel like I had stability, and I’ve enjoyed it.
Maybe I should just do the best I can to prepare for the next waves instead of constantly trying to fight them off.