lowercase letters

Every night after midnight, or first thing in the morning, I check facebook memories.  A few times a year there’s a little gem from Parker, not just a meme she shared on my wall, but something she actually typed.  It’s typically in all lowercase, not a capital letter to be found, something that I never understood about her, that even annoyed me most of the time.  Now, I treasure every lowercase letter.

This morning when I woke up, there were two of them from 3 years ago, two lovey memes she shared to me, each with their own little notes.  I’m trying to think where our lives were 3 years ago and I can’t quite place it.  I wonder what made her send those two notes that afternoon.  Was it the last time I was hospitalized?  I didn’t respond to the notes, I couldn’t have seen them at the time.

All day today I’ve lived in two worlds.  One foot firmly planted in today.  Volunteering at United Way.   Cuddling with Wonder Woman, loving her, caring for our home, cooking us dinner, planning our life.   The other foot trying to remember where I was 3 years ago, loving my late wife, missing her.

I don’t always live in two worlds, mostly, like I’ve said before, widowhood is just woven into the fabric of my life, but sometimes I straddle both worlds, the before, and the after.  Sometimes it catches me off guard when it happens after a mostly grief free period.

I miss Parker.  I miss the little quirks that used to annoy me.  They aren’t such a big deal anymore.  They were what made her, her, and they were what I fell in love with, but over time, we tend to forget that about our partners.  At least I did.

We used to say “Where have you been all my life?  Becoming the person you fell in love with.”

In order to be the person I am today, I had to survive all I’ve been through, and that includes losing Parker and now that means I sometimes straddle two worlds.  That includes reading notes with lowercase letters from a person I will forever love and miss, while sitting beside the woman I love today.

Widowing ain’t easy.  Sometimes I’m not really sure how I do it, but I just keep doing it.  And I’m thankful for those who love me along the way.

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