Today is a shitty brain day.
After having an incredible weekend, and a few great weeks, it really sucks to wake up one morning and not want to get out of bed.
I know what triggered this bad brain day. I know the series of things that I have been shoving to the back of my brain, that my brain brought to the front overnight. I know what made me wake up this morning and say “Nope.”
But I have my list of things that I’m living for. And even as my brain tells me there’s no reason to live, I remind myself of the reasons I have to stay alive.
I fought my way through the fog and eventually opened my mouth and spoke to someone about what had triggered me, shining light into all of the dark spaces. This was a person who wouldn’t try to fix me, but would let me talk and cry. As much as I feel like fixing would help, as much as I want someone to fix this, I know that in the long run I have to fix myself or the problem will only get worse.
I know that part of my problem today is the fact that it’s World Suicide Prevention Day. I’d love to be able to do wonderful things on these days, save lives in some grand way, but I’m doing that in my own way, supporting people in my own way. Days like today just remind me of the life that was lost. Days like today just remind me that her suicide wasn’t prevented.
But I’m also glad that today exists. I’m glad that we bring awareness to the issue a few times a year, or when some celebrity dies. I guess my contribution to World Suicide Prevention Day is to remind you that people like me are still here and we still need your support. Talk to us, check on us.
Especially on days like today, but not only on days like today.