Today is about Wonder Woman and I. Today is a day that we celebrate our year of firsts. We went to bed after midnight last night smiling about our first year, and talking about sticking around for another year, and this morning we woke up and cuddled in closer together for anniversary cuddles.
And then someone mentioned how lucky we were. And I realized, I am lucky, and not only am I lucky right now, I’m lucky enough to have had this twice now. Two totally different relationships that had an amazing amount of love.
And then the tears started falling.
Dammit, here’s another special day darkened by the cloud of widowhood.
I wanted to stuff it down, bury it, not let myself deal with it, because today is about Wonder Woman and I and dammit, I’m not going to let Ghost Wife have the spotlight. But the more I tried to push it down the bigger the cloud became.
Then I figured I’d keep it quiet, not let Wonder Woman know because I didn’t want to hurt her and let her know that I was even thinking about Parker on a day like today. But, then it came out, tears and all, because I can’t always keep a wall up when my feelings are so big.
So I’m writing, and sharing, and processing the best way I know how.
Parker has been a part of our relationship since day one. A year ago, I couldn’t go a full day without mentioning Parker’s name or some story about us. A year ago I hadn’t even said “late wife” for the first time, she was still my wife. A year ago Wonder Woman started dating me knowing that Parker was, and would always be a part of my life. That I would always be a widow.
Sometimes I think she knows that, and accepts that, better than I do.
I don’t always understand how she’s so accepting of all of it and of me. I can’t always see that I deserve this. There is so much love in our relationship and I find myself questioning my right to this.
It’s hard to accept that she loves me for me, all of me. All of me includes the part that is a widow, and that means sometimes on anniversaries I will grieve who I was and what brought me here.
But I still want to be right where I’m at, because I deserve every bit of this.
I deserve happy and I deserve love.
I’m so so lucky to have found it a second time.