Mud

I write a lot about the really horrible feelings of bipolar depression.  The black pit of nothingness where I can’t see a reason to go on for another moment.

I write a lot about the days where I’m hypomanic and colors are brighter and emotions all feel bigger and better.

I’ve even started writing about the regular every day days.  The days where things feel “normal” and not too much or too dark.

There’s another type of depression though.  These aren’t the black pit, but they are just apathy.  I’ll sit and stare into space and realize an hour has gone past.  I’ll sit and scroll on Facebook over and over and over and not even realize what I’m looking at.  I don’t really feel sad, but I don’t really feel anything.

My chainmaille supplies and my diamond painting supplies are right here on my desk, it really isn’t much work at all to get them out, but there is no real desire to actually go through the motions to do it.  I’m bored, but no interest in not being bored.  I sleep less, or I sleep more, neither really matters because I don’t really have all that much desire to get out of bed or to go to bed.  I don’t really care where I am.

Dishes will pile up in the sink, laundry sits unfolded, feeding the animals feels like a chore.  I go to the gym and stand there staring at the machines with no clue where to even start because I don’t have interest in any of it.

I hurt everywhere, but this isn’t just from my chronic pain issues, this is because depression causes pain too.  It’s a different kind of pain, one that medication doesn’t really take care of.

It’s not the desperate feeling like the extreme depression I normally write about.  It’s no where near as dangerous or as harmful.  However, this apathy is a more common form of depression and is something that a lot of people struggle with.

Once I manage to get started on a project, or convince myself to wash just a couple of dishes, I normally can stick with it and get a decent amount done.  It’s constantly finding that balance between giving myself some leeway, being gentle with myself, and accepting that right now I’m moving through mud and things are harder, but also pushing myself to still get things done and keep some momentum.

Luckily it seems like my medications are doing their job.  I’m staying at this level of depression for now and not sinking further.  I’m still able to keep functioning at some level and have good hours and good days.

Right now I appreciate that my depression is mild, this is much easier to live with than the black hole I kept sinking into before.  This still sucks, but it could be so much worse.  I’m trying to keep writing, trying to stay connected with my friends and support network.

Even though I’m walking through mud, I still keep pushing forward, one step at a time.  The only way out is through.

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