It causes a sort of emotional whiplash sometimes.
How fast I can go from “low grade depression” “functioning, but feeling off” to “oh shit, I’m in real danger.”
Even after this many years, it catches me off guard, every single time. I just wrote a Facebook post, what was it? Two days ago, maybe? About how taking a down day being sick can slip into being more depressed. I thought I was slipping a LITTLE further into depression.
I didn’t realize that less than 24 hours later I’d be questioning if I needed to be back in partial, or if my doctor would put me inpatient when I saw her, and honestly thinking she might be right to.
My thoughts slipped so quickly from “I don’t have any motivation to function” to “I don’t have any motivation to live” to “I have the motivation to end life.” It happened too quickly for comfort.
And 24 hours after seeing my doctor, I still have flashes where I wonder if I can fight through this episode. I still wonder if these meds are going to work quick enough, or if they are the right changes. But I’m hopeful and I see a reason to keep trying now. Yesterday I was done trying.
My assshole brain wants to kill me sometimes, and while it might sound like I’m a broken record and I keep ending up back in this space, the fact is, speaking out is the best thing I can do. Yesterday I spent about 5 hours with a plan, including a time and a place. It was the most fully formed plan I’ve had in a while, different than the rest where they were just ideas with approximations, and thank God I have the relationship I do with one of my friends because I was able to break out of my own head and shine light on what was happening.
In less than a week I went from planning trips to NY and Boston to seriously planning out my own death.
This isn’t some cry for attention, this is what mental illness can look like.
I’m safe now, I called out for help and my friends rallied around me. I’ve set up plans for extra time with friends next week, and I’ve got an extra psychiatrist appointment scheduled to monitor meds. Lots of people are checking in.
I’m safe, but I’m still scared. As quick as it all came, it’s passing.
This shit sucks and it’s taking everything in me to fight through it.
Check on your strong friends. They aren’t always as strong as they seem.