CN: Really Real Widow Post

Today I went to search for someone in my phone contacts and up popped the listing for:

Parker – Wife

and my heart dropped out of my chest for a second.

After more than 2 years I still have her number saved in my phone under that listing.  I never removed it from my favorites on my old phone, but I have since switched phones and her number carried over to this one.  I don’t think I realized it did.  I don’t think I realized it was still there, but maybe at some point I consciously didn’t delete it.

Her Facebook page has been memorialized and now says “In Memory of Parker Tarbutton” but she’s still on my friends list.  Sometimes I’ll go to type something and it’ll try to tag her and my heart will do that familiar drop.

I still can’t type the work “park” without trying to capitalize the first letter and finish with an -er, it’s muscle memory, even after more than 2 years.

I wonder, if I were to call the number, who would answer.  Who has her number now.  Did they get calls for her after they first got their new phone?

Part of me thinks it won’t be a big deal to delete the number out of my phone, I’ve moved past those sort of things.  But, you never move on, you only move forward, and the truth is, it made me stop and I still haven’t gone in and deleted it.  Instead I stopped to write this out.  To process it, to work through it.  To remember.

When we first moved to Maryland we shared a phone to save money.  Just one phone between us, because you never saw one of us without the other anyway, there was no need for 2 phones.  It was basically my phone because she let me take the lead on almost everything.  Draven had what he wanted and needed and I came next and she didn’t worry about herself.  I didn’t realize how much she took the back seat until she was gone.

Anyway.

I remember when we finally got her a phone with her own phone number again.  She picked out one with unbreakable glass because she was finally working and she knew it was a job that would probably take it’s toll on something more flimsy.

She was so happy to have a phone.

I never did memorize her number or keep it separate from Kidlet’s, they were too close together.

I had her saved as Parker – Wife so that under emergency contacts they could see who she was if anything happened to me.  Just like Kidlet was listed as my son and my mother was listed with her name.  Always worried that something would happen and making sure we were safe.  They thought I was too cautious, nothing would ever happen like that.

But now, Parker – Wife, is Parker – Late Wife, and it’s time to delete a number out of my phone.

It would be quite a long distance call to wherever she is and I don’t think she has that number anymore.