Believe Me

Really Real Trauma Post

Tonight I’m pissed.  I’m pissed because Facebook isn’t safe for me.  Facebook, where I can go to zone out and scroll mindlessly when my brain gets too loud, is making my brain even louder right now.

Facebook is not safe because the world is not safe.

But I spend most of my life trying to convince myself that the world is safe.  I spent most of my life trying to forget all of the reasons that my world has never been safe.

And right now Facebook is doing exactly what needs to be done.  It’s being a space where everyone can speak their story and share their truth and do what they need to do but I’m pissed because while everyone is doing that I’ve spent the last week saying:

I’m fine, this isn’t going to bother me, I’ve dealt with my demons long ago.

I spent all day today saying:

I’m fine, this isn’t going to bother me, I’ve dealt with my demons long ago.

And tonight it finally hit me that I’m not fine.

And I want to speak my story and share my truth and for once I CANT FUCKING DO IT and because I can’t get it out it’s eating me alive tonight.

This is my place to process, I put fingers to keys and spill my thoughts onto the screen and afterwards I have some clarity as I connect with everyone.  I know that so many people have a story that’s just like mine and I’m watching so many of my friends get so much loving support tonight.

But I can’t speak my story, I can’t share my truth.

And I’m not fine, and this is definitely bothering me, those demons are still here haunting me.

Remember those of us that are silenced and hurting by all of this, and we need to remember to find ways to take care of ourselves.

We need to find ways to stay safe in a very unsafe world.

 

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