Where’s the Stress

Really Real Life Post

Death really becomes a defining moment, lots of things get split into the before and the after.  I spent a lot of time that first year talking about X months ago today and then on the one year mark I made a big list of everything I’d accomplished in that first year.

But even 2 years out, I still have things that wow me.  Things that definitely stand out in the grand scheme of the before and the after.

Before, we never traveled.  It was a big deal when we went to Florida a couple of times and it was the only place we ever went.  When I went, lists were made days in advance and I needed help packing because I was so overwhelmed.  I wasn’t physically able to handle my bags or even the logistics and the first time I traveled after Parker died, when we went to have her Celebration of Life in Florida, my home health care nurse (I still had one) had to do half the packing for me and even with Kidlet’s help I was petrified of the whole entire process.  That was August of 2016.

I’m about to take buses up to see my friend in NY for the second time this year and I think it’s my 4th or 5th trip to see her in the past 2 years.  I’ve also had so many other vacations and trips and I have another trip planed for later in the year.

It costs $50 round trip to go see this friend on the bus.  It isn’t pocket change, but spread out over 2 months for me, it’s doable a few times a year.   I’m sure Parker and I spent that in cigarettes in a week, probably more.  At this point it’s been 2 years since I quit smoking so I can’t even remember how much we were spending.  And we wondered why we were freaking out over bills so often.  But, that’s another post for another day.

Here we are the morning before I leave, I haven’t packed, didn’t make lists and lists of lists.  I still need to pick up medication from various pharmacies to make sure I have enough for the trip (super super important).

Even further, I’m making the trip to NYC without having tickets for the second leg, because it’s cheaper to buy them in NYC, and that would normally be the most anxiety provoking, impossible thing for me.  What if tickets fall through, what if something goes wrong!

Then I’ll figure it out when it happens.

Two years ago I couldn’t even put my own socks on.  I couldn’t leave the house alone.  Sometimes, when asshole brain takes control, I feel like I’m completely backsliding into the worst of the mental illness.  But the fact is, I’ve come so so far and I’m not sure it’s possible for me to let myself slide that far back.

Self Saving Warrior Princess kicked ass and didn’t even bother taking names.  And I still am.

I still stress over the silliest things sometimes, I get overwhelmed and it snowballs into a mini crisis.  But then things like this that were big, I’ve practiced enough times that it’s really no big deal.

I’ve come so so far.

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