Really Real Widow Post
I was washing dishes one day and noticed the hooks above my sink with the cleaning brushes hanging on them. They weren’t there before Parker died.
We have a sponge holder in the sink that helps keep it from getting mildewed. That wasn’t there either.
Most of my furniture has been slowly replaced, either because I couldn’t handle looking at furniture she once sat on (I seriously wanted to throw the couch down the steps), because I was given something, or because Wonder Woman brought stuff with her.
I replaced my pots and plans after flattening one in a bipolar/grief/menopause fit of rage. They were old, with scratched Teflon, and needed replacing anyway, but it was that fit of anger that was the final reason that I bought some stainless pots on sale as a Christmas present to Kidlet and I. Mostly me.
Slowly I’ve replaced a lot of things that reminded me of Parker too often on any given day. I’m still in the same apartment, but it isn’t the same apartment anymore. Kidlets’s room is now the spare bedroom, different bed, storage shelves, different layout. Parker and my room, became my room, and is now Wonder Woman and my room, with a different bed and different furniture.
I still lose track of the timeline sometimes, wondering which things were before Parker and which things came in since she died. I still have moments where I think she sat on the sofa that wasn’t even in the apartment before. My desk is similar to the layout of the folding tables I used to use, but she never saw me at my desk, never saw the lights around the ceiling, never saw the quotes on the walls.
I wonder sometimes, what she would think. She would have dreaded the work that went into changing things around, but would have done it for me anyway.
The fact is, we never would have changed any of it though. We were too stuck in survival mode and never would have put anything on the walls or changed things for comfort in the kitchen. I feel like making those changes is part of what has made a lot of changes in my life. Finding ways to make life more livable. Yeah, I spent money that could have gone to bills, but the little bit of money I spent each time made life more comfortable and in the end contributed to my ability to keep my head afloat. I’m in a better place emotionally, and better able to survive, because I got myself out of survival mode and into living and enjoying my life.
Even though that meant replacing lots of things that existed when Parker were still here. Moving forward sometimes means getting rid of the old.