Do Your Job!

Really Real Mental Health Post

Trigger Warning:  Mention of Suicidal Thoughts (I’m safe)

My medications are doing their job right now.

Yesterday evening I had a realization that was a huge trigger for me.  Mid dinner, I lost my appetite, I pushed my food away, stopped eating, packed it up in Tupperware for later.

My brain was immediately pelted with suicidal thoughts.

I remember thinking I was too dumb to live, too much of a fuck up since I’ve had so many chances to get it together and I keep making the same mistakes over and over again.  The spiral was closing in, except it wasn’t quite as dark.  There weren’t quite as many “you gotta die to fix it” thoughts thrown in there.

And as I was sinking into the cloud of that kind of thinking, I was also able to think my way out of the cloud.

I was still moving forward towards getting ready for derby.  I was still thinking about how I was going to speak out about what was going on in my head.

On my way to derby I spoke up.  I told Wonder Woman what was going on, what triggered me.

The darkest part of the cloud passed.

It lasted less than 20 minutes.

I went to the gym after derby.

It went even further away.

I’m still really fragile right now.  The trigger situation is still there.  I’m gonna be wobbly for awhile, but the medications are doing their job.  I can see my way through the clouds when they come.  I’m not able to fixate on the suicidal thoughts and they can’t take over.

Then, this morning my Brita filter on my sink broke.  Water spraying everywhere.  I took it off, tried cleaning the gaskets, cleaned out the screen.  Put it back on and sprayed more water around the kitchen for fun.  It’s the actually filter and some weird design flaw because it’s been 2 years and the thing is a piece of shit. . . and of course we just ordered a 3 pack of filters and that’s how this stuff works.

And of course we’re about out of water bottles so this means I need to get to a store today or I won’t have filtered or bottled water to drink and how the fuck does that work.

First world problems, but I’m really fragile right now and this is the kind of stuff that would tip me over the edge on days like today.  “I can’t afford to replace this right now and fuck my life is so horrible and why me” and and and and and!

And I’m still pretty upset, but I’m able to hold onto the truth which is that, we will figure it out.  It’s not actually the end of the world, in truth it isn’t that big of a deal, and the filter didn’t break just to piss me off and ruin my day.

I know things are rough because I currently have this blog post and 2 more drafts written and ready to be posted.  I have plenty of things to write about right now.  But I’m learning to follow my signs better.  I’m learning to be gentle with myself and go back to basics on days like today.

My meds are doing their job.

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