Here We Go

Really Real Mental Health Post

I slept for 12 hours last night.

I normally get 6.

I want to cancel everything today and sleep more, except the tickets are already paid for and I know that at some point I’ll regret it.

It’s the last day of Ren Fest, I haven’t been all season and a lot of my friends will be there today.

I’m trying so hard to get excited about it.  I know the joy is in there somewhere.

There’s this sound I hear in my head, it’s a buzzing, almost like a fan but a different frequency.  It’s almost constant when I’m anxious or depressed or both and it is so loud right now.  It almost drowns out the fans that are actually on in the background.  I don’t even have the desire to hit play on music to drown it out.

It feels like a penance I’m supposed to pay for existing.  This awful noise that doesn’t end, white noise on the TV left on past midnight when the station ends for the day.

I don’t want to die so much as I just want to stop being.  But only for a little while.  I still know that in a few days this will pass.  I hope my meds are working well enough that it doesn’t get any darker, I hope I stay where I’m at and don’t get worse, this time.

I’m cold and I don’t even have the energy to find warmer clothes or shut a window.

Again, it feels like penance.

Hunger goes unfed, dishes pile up while I beat myself up inside, hating myself for not keeping up with the only thing I do that has any worth around here.  It’s not like I go to work, at least I could keep the house clean.

I’m sleeping so much, and I’m so so damn tired.

It’s exhausting feeling like this.

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