Really Real Life Post, with some Widow stuff mixed in.

A lot of things changed  when I became a widow.  My sleep habits are one of them and I’m not sure if it’s because Parker died, or because I got older, or because I’m less depressed overall, but before she died, I was a night owl who slept through every alarm.

It used to make her angry because she had to wake up, to wake me up, if I had to be someplace.  And waking me up didn’t just mean saying “get up, your alarm is going off.”  Often it meant I’d cuss her out in my sleep because I was ANGRY when she woke me up and I didn’t always realize it.

When I needed surgery a few months after Parker died, a friend stayed the night to make sure I got out of bed because I was so petrified I’d sleep through my alarm.

Now I’m more of an early morning person, but it’s really hard for me to see myself that way.  By 11pm, and normally way earlier, I’m getting tired.  Some days it’s a struggle to stay awake till 11.  And I’m awake at 7 am or so.  I actually start waking up at 4 or 5 and convince myself to stay in bed till at least 6 or 7.  I almost never set alarms anymore, and when I do, they’re a backup, just in case.

I used to get up with barely enough time to get ready and rush out the door.  But honestly, I can’t stand that.  I need time to make my coffee, clean up the kitchen from the night before, take care of the dog, relax, maybe write, check mail and facebook, wake up slowly and get dressed.

I enjoy my time in the morning when it’s quiet and I’m alone.  It helps me center myself.  I don’t meditate exactly, but I can still quiet my mind and focus on my routine and then figure out the day ahead.

It’s still so strange for me to think of myself as a morning person.  I still have a hard time scheduling morning appointments because I’m afraid I’ll miss them.

Just another thing that’s changed in the last few years.  I’m afraid I’ll suddenly end up as a night owl again, and actually, I miss staying up late, but I enjoy getting up early.  Even if I wanted to, I’m not sure I could push my schedule back, my body just wants to get up super early now.

And as I write this, it’s not even 10 pm and I’m yawning every few minutes and I can barely keep my eyes open.

Maybe I’m just getting old.

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