Really Real Mental Health Post

Yesterday I posted a comparison shot of my Driver’s Licence ID photo compared to now.  I’ve lost a lot of weight, and my body composition has changed, but more than that, I’m a different person.

I think I’ve written about this before, but it’s bugging me, so you all get to sit through it again as I work through it again, this stuff isn’t just one and done.

I didn’t love myself at all.  I was suiciding slowly through food and video games and sitting on my ass.  That’s not saying any of those things are inherently bad, but when you never get up and never stop eating, they become a slow tool of death.  I was just waiting to die.

I didn’t love who I was, I kept waiting for someone to save me from myself, someone to fix it all, because I had no idea how to, but really, a lot of it came back to all of the self loathing.

The heavier I got, the more I hated myself.  The sicker I got, the more disgusted I was with myself.  The more help I needed, the more I gave up trying.

I didn’t love myself and even when I wasn’t actively trying to die by suicide, I was killing myself slowly.

It’s really hard for me to look at pictures of who I was and have love for that person.   It’s really hard for me to see myself there.  I don’t know if it’s only because of the weight, that’s part of it, but there’s so much potential inside her and she gave up.  I still blame her for Parker dying, even though I shouldn’t.

I still see her as separate from who i am now because it’s still so hard to love that person that I was.

I love me now.  Even in the worse of the depression, there’s a part of me that still loves me.  I feel like I deserve to love me, and that was a major turning point for me.

I’m fucking amazing.

And some days I say that, just because I need to hear it a million times so that I’ll believe it.  And other days, you best believe I KNOW it’s true.

But I’m the same person that was in that Driver’s Licence picture.  And it’s still so hard for me to love her.  It’s so hard for me not to blame her for Parker dying.

Today, I’ll go to the gym and run this shit out of my system on the elliptical, and I might even cry it out some while I’m on there, because this feels pretty damn heavy.  Another day I may figure out how to love that person.  Right now I just feel sorry for her.  I wish she didn’t hurt so much.  I wish I could have fixed it for her, but I wish she would have fixed it for her own damn self.  The power was there all along.

I mean, she is pretty fucking amazing.

Look at her now.