So Very Far

Really Real Mental Health Post

I’m on a train heading to Massachusetts.

This is a pretty big deal.

I keep expanding my horizons, and as of 10pm last night, 12 hours before my train left, I still hadn’t started packing.  Two years ago I would have been making lists weeks ago and freaking out for days leading up to this.

I’ve come so very far.

I’m going to see my sister and while I’m overjoyed to be seeing her there’s a history of feeling “not good enough” because she’s the accomplished one and there’s all kinds of anxiety wrapped up in that.  I’m sure she knows and if she didn’t, she does now (Hi, sis!!).  And basically this trip is both amazing and terrifying all in the same breath.

And last night I dreamed of Parker and in the dream no one could hear me because I was clinging too tightly to her and she knew that, so she came up and she said she had to go.  And she gave me the biggest hug, the hardest hug I’ve felt in a dream, and kept saying I love you, goodbye, I love you so much, but I have to leave, and I watched her turn to dust right in front of me and float away.  (It’s a good thing I’m comfortable crying in front of people, because now I’m crying on a train.)

And then I woke up and didn’t feel the emotions from the dream, even though the dream was still holding on and I could see her floating around my still dark bedroom. . . And I knew I should feel devistated, but I didn’t.  Until 2 hours later when I was washing the dishes and it hit me like a ton of bricks and I sobbed over the kitchen sink and just kept washing the forks like I was trying to wash away the reminants of the dream.

And then we went to the car to take me to the train and I forgot my phone, and when I went up to get it the dog had realized I was going on a trip and so she had an accident all over the living room floor because we forgot to put a pad down (poor trauma dog) and I had to clean that up before putting one down, and so we were running late.  But I didn’t yell this time because I’m getting so much better at not yelling when I’m anxious or overhwhelmed.

I’ve come so very far.

Today is hard and wonderful and somehow I’m learning to not let the hard moments destroy my entire day.  I’m not sure when the change happened but it did and it’s pretty amazing.

I’ve come so very far.

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