If I could have

This is a Really Real Widow Post

TW: Talk of Completed Suicide.

I’m a suicide widow.

I went to bed a wife and woke up a widow, and from that moment on, there has been a part of me that wonders ‘what if.’

‘What if’ I hadn’t fought with her that night.

‘What if’ we hadn’t put her medications near the bed.

‘What if’ I had gone to bed earlier.

‘What if.’

But

If depression could be loved away, I would have.

If darkness could be loved away, I would have.

If suicidal thoughts could be loved away, I would have.

I loved her.

And because I loved her, in spite of her depression, in spite of her darkness, in spite her suicidal thoughts, she had moments where she felt that love.  She knew, not only from me, but from others in her life, that she was loved.

What if she didn’t have that.

If love could have kept her here, she’d still be here.

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