Script

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

I overthink about a lot of things.

What?

That’s not a shocking reveal?

At one point I wanted a tattoo that said “Let me overthink about it.” (But then I overthought about the tattoo and decided not to get it.)

One of the undercurrents of my overthinking is scripting.  I will script entire days with my partner, except I forget one crucial part of this, I don’t give them the script.

And then I get really grumpy when things deviate from the script because I don’t like change, and they changed the plans without any warning.

It’s not MY fault they didn’t know there were plans and scripts to be followed.

Except I’ve started realizing it is my fault and that almost makes it worse because I’m like a kid throwing a temper tantrum who realizes I look a little ridiculous.  I need a personal time out.  “I just need a minute here to get my ass back under control.”

Lets back up a step further.  How ’bout I just stop overthinking all this shit in the first place and stay in the moment.  I’m trying to plan for every conversation so that I have an answer for everything, and so that I don’t screw up and start a fight.  And for other unknown reasons that I haven’t quite figured out yet.  It’s an anxiety thing, it’s a trauma thing, it’s a “this is who I am” thing.

But living in the future, trying to script all this stuff, is supremely unhelpful.

It’s hard to stop.  Really Fucking Hard.

“If she says this, I’ll say this.”

“We can do this, and then this will be easier to say. ”

“If I ask this in this way, very carefully, maybe she’ll react this way instead of this way.”

Yeah, it’s a trauma thing but it’s not helpful in my current situations.

Living in the moment is much more productive.

Scripting just leads to fighting change that isn’t really happening.  Change that’s all in my head.

Scripting isn’t helpful.

It’s time to rip up the script.

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