This is Really Real ummmm, Life? Post

Really Real Relationship Post

Really Real Trauma Post

No?

Maybe a Really Real Mental Health Post?

I’m not really sure what kind of post it is, but it’s real.

Yesterday I was overwhelmed.  Part of it was a rough therapy session and part of it was because after that therapy session I walked outside and drew parallels between that moment in time and where I was 2.5 years earlier, walking out of the same therapists office after a conversation about a similar topic, the last night Parker was alive.

I’m not in my past anymore.

And I started to panic a few nights ago because I felt grumpy and on edge  and things just felt off and before I went outside to have my fire, Wonder Woman said she’d be in bed before I came up, and suddenly in my head I wondered if we were fighting.  Going to bed mad isn’t okay, Parker died that way.  And I came running back in with a panicked chest to make sure we were okay, feeling bad because yet again my trauma became the center of whatever was happening.

I’m not in my past anymore.

When we have difficult conversations I need a lot of reassurance because fights were never pretty in my past.  Afterwards, almost every single time, I thank her for letting me be me.  For not being angry with me for just feeling my feels.  For not getting angry when I talk in circles or take a minute to explain myself.  I’m thanking her for helping us to have healthy conversations around difficult topics.

I’m not in my past anymore.

I try not to compare, but there are parallels to situations.  Wonder Woman isn’t the people from my past and I don’t want her to be.  I’m not sure why I expect the same reactions and the same outcomes.  It’s really hard to be in a healthy relationship because I come from a history of mutliple relationships that became very unhealthy for many reasons and I expect this one to follow suit.

I don’t want to compare my relationship now, to my relationships then.  But so much about then scarred me.  So much of me is built on trauma.  A lot of of that trauma is because of situations I was in, and a lot is because of the people, including me,  in the situations.  Either way, even with saying “They were doing the best they knew at the time” I’m every bit of a broken beautiful mess.

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop because in my past it always did.

I’m not in my past anymore.

Things are still hard.  We still have to talk and work things out and it’s not always perfect.  But there’s not some big reveal waiting to take me out from behind.

Even as I’m typing that I’m wondering what I’m missing.  What’s going to come out and blindside me.

I’m not in my past anymore.