Thought Prison

Really Real Mental Health Post

Today you get two posts.

This one is long and rambling, and will give you a glimpse inside my brain when it’s acting up and ruminating.

TW:  Suicidal thoughts, also potentially triggering for those with Disordered Eating.

My brain is an asshole.

It’s partially my fault, maybe.  I forgot to take my morning medications before leaving for the gym, and I remembered pretty early, but I’ve been gone all day so I didn’t have a way to take them.  (Please, no “helpful advice” about carrying some with me.)

Somewhere in there, the innocent thought passed through “What if I just stopped taking medication.”  And I laughed, cause that’s a dumb thought, and I know better.  I’m the last person that would ever consider not taking my meds.  I start freaking out when I miss them for one dose.

Except this time the thought got stuck.

I knew it was a ridiculous thought, but just like with my suicidal thoughts, it started to take on a life of its own.  Replaying over and over again.  The thought of taking my meds became like the thought of taking poison.  Over and over “just stop taking them, I mean, you did it for 6 months around when Parker died and you were fine”  “Just stop, hypomania is fun, and you’ll get more done”  “Just stop, they’re poison and they make you feel like shit every night anyway”  “Just stop, they’re making you gain all this weight”   “Just stop, look at how hungry they make you”  “Just stop, I mean, you have to eat so much just to take one pill.”

I came home and without even stopping to take my ADHD pill out of the morning meds I took those.  I didn’t care that it was 3pm, I knew I needed to get those pills in me and that if I stopped to look at them I’d hyper-analyze and would have too hard of a time to take them.

I laid down for a nap.

My brain kept spiraling.

“Gonna be stuck on pills forever, might as well just die.”

You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me, my brain is trying to kill me again.

I’m laying there beside Wonder Woman wanting to tell her why I feel so needy and that my brain is being an epic sort of asshole but instead I just act like everything is fine and normal because I’m Self Saving Warrior Princess and all that, and she’s got her own problems and I know it’s not bad enough to actually kill me right now.

We roll over and I manage to have nightmare filled sleep.  I don’t remember the nightmares but I woke up feeling gross, I couldn’t really see a purpose in fighting against the thoughts for that moment, so instead I got up and made dinner.

Part of dinner was a pretty big flop, the rest of it was just, food, nothing special really.

“You’re a failure, why are you even alive.  Really, you should just be dead.”

Would you shut the fuck up already.

“Doesn’t make sense to eat, you’re too fat, not like your gonna take your meds anyway.”

Fuck.

I sit down and let Wonder Woman get her food first.  I’m fighting with my own brain while it looks like I’m mindlessly scrolling Facebook.  I need to eat food to take my night meds, or at least one of them.  I’m mentally exhausted, I’m too depressed to be hungry.

I’m giving you one random sentence here and there that pops out of my head, but the dialogue is constant.  One minute it’s a suicidal though.  The next it’s about how I can’t take meds.  Ruminating thoughts that have me in a fog.  This constant hum of thoughts that makes time blur.

I lay back down and the thoughts get louder.  Ruminations on death, cutting, overdosing, while also thinking about cleaning up dinner, and the fact that I need to take my damn meds, which means I need to eat.

None of the thoughts have any real power, so they aren’t too scary.  They are just, noise.  Almost like a white noise machine, except the sound of my thoughts.

I’m trying to work through the steps to take the Latuda out of my night meds so I can take them without eating and my brain keeps short circuiting, and I stay stuck in bed ruminating.

I want someone to talk through this with but I also feel like that’s selfish and like I should be able to handle this alone.  I feel like reaching out would be the wrong thing now because I’m not really in danger, I don’t think.  The suicidal thoughts aren’t too loud, they’re just telling me to die, they aren’t telling me to actively kill myself.  I don’t have a plan, I just want a plan.

Finally I realize I can just take my meds as is, including the Latuda and get whatever effect I can get from it, for tonight.  It’s better than nothing.  It’s better than ruminating for another hour, laying in bed, curled in a ball, stuck.

The thoughts quiet some, I just needed to figure out my way out of the thought prison.  Figure out what had me stuck.

I cleaned up the kitchen.  The suicidal thoughts are a dull hum now, although the nighttime nausea has set in and that’s fucking annoying.

This is what it’s like to get wrapped up in my own brain sometimes, this could have happened even if I wasn’t 8 hours late on my morning meds (that isn’t that late really).

One random thought that came from nowhere.  I may be able to let it go after today.  Or it may get stuck for awhile.

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