This is a Really Real Mental Health Post

I feel like “Here we go again.”

My emotions are taking me for a spin, and I wake up with the best intentions and plans of how today is going to be different and by 9am I’m in tears.

It all feels like it’s too much and I’m tired.

I keep trying to hold my head up and look at all of the positives and look at how well I’m handling all of this but day after day of my brain telling me I’m better off dead and all of the reasons start sounding better and better.

I’m tired.

I don’t want to go walk in a parade today, but I don’t want to sit home alone, again, either.  I feel like the toddler who is stuck with no good options and instead I just want to lay on the floor and kick and scream because right now this sucks.

And instead I sit here and cry.

Trying to cry silently because she’s in the other room sleeping while at the same time wanting to scream because I’m tired of feeling this way and if I can’t get it out of me I’m afraid it’s going to win.

What did I do to deserve this.  What can I try that I’m not trying, how can I out run it.  Why haven’t I done enough.  I’m working so. fucking. hard. to get better only to be knocked back down to this blubbering mess at my keyboard, unable to see through the tears and barely able to get the words out fast enough.

I’m tired.

And it’s not the kind of tired that any amount of sleep will fix.

I can’t sleep enough and any amount of sleep seems like too much because my dreams hurt my eyes and the back of my head and in them I hear gunshots and ambulances and fires and in them I see death coming to take me into her arms.

And would that really be so terrible?

How long has it been since I was like this last time?  What did I get, a month, maybe two since the last time I was crying my eyes out to a keyboard about fighting to stay alive?

Is this really life?

I’m tired.