This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
TW: Suicidal Thoughts
The other night I had a meltdown right into Wonder Woman.
I was emotionally and physically and socially exhausted and then I listened to a new song with lyrics that tore my heart out.
I had no idea they would.
And they released the flood waters.
They opened the gates to the conversation about all the thoughts in my head, all the dark spirals and the places my brain had been going.
The things so dark I can’t even get them out on the screen.
I felt like there were no tears left to be cried and then there were more.
And then I finally relaxed into her for the first time in a week. I finally relaxed and felt the tension lift.
Now, even though the dark is still there, it isn’t quite so dark. It isn’t quite so loud, it isn’t quite so hard to contain.
It isn’t so scary.
I feel horrible though.
I feel guilty.
I feel like it wasn’t fair to dump that much dark on her.
It’s not fair to make the person that loves me more than most, really wonder if they are going to one day live without me.
Wonder if they are going to be in my shoes.
Fear the fear I never thought to have. The fear that I make too real just by existing in my widow status. And then by being that dark, that suicidal, the fear becomes even more real.
And I feel like it’s not fair that I unloaded my dark on her and I felt better afterwards.
I already sucked the life out of someone. I already relied on one person too much, and while I know it wasn’t solely the only thing that killed Parker, our reliance on each other too much when we were hurting so much didn’t help.
I know better.
I have other supports.
She shouldn’t have to stare into the face of my darkness.
I have other supports and I should use them.
But sometimes I can’t control when it happens. Sometimes it’s just ready and conditions are right and she was there and it came out in a wave of dark. A wave of horror that had been locked inside my head for too many days.
As tsunami that I couldn’t hold back.
She got caught in its power and I’m sorry.
But I already lost one to the wave.
I’m so afraid of taking another out.