Plan Of a Different Kind

This is a Really Real Mental Health post.

Last night I over reacted to a situation.

I knew I was over reacting.  I knew that there would be a solution and that it would be fine but the chaos in the interim was making me angry and sad and I didn’t know what to do with those feelings.

It didn’t help that I had a plan, a plan that didn’t work out.

Handling change isn’t my super power and things were going to have to change.

All because the table that I had, wouldn’t fit.

In hindsight, I should have waited until I was on more stable ground to try and rearrange things, but I’m running from my own brain so whenever I’m alone I try to find project after project to keep me going, because the moment I stop, the thoughts creep in.

When my whole plan came crashing down around me the thoughts started to get louder and I was stuck.  So I over reacted.

And I knew it was happening.

And I felt like a toddler digging my heels in.  I didn’t know which way to turn to find my way back out of the hole I was in.  Nothing seemed like it would really fix the problem.

And that’s because part of the problem was my inability to change the plan I had in my head.

I’m thankful that I have a partner who lets me feel these really big feels without fighting against me and making it worse.  I knew I was over reacting, and she didn’t point that out or make me feel childish.

This morning I was still angry at the world.  Still fighting against my own head and my own plan and nothing seemed like it would work.

I fought to get out of bed, I fought against the wave of thoughts that told me everything was wrong.   This stupid inconsequential thing was pulling me back under.  It didn’t help that my space was in chaos due to the rearranging that I had done.

Everything in flux, which is the worst sort of space for me.

I knew that my routine would be off, my desktop is in a million pieces and that is my writing space.

I didn’t want to get out of bed.

I stayed in bed too long and everything hurts.

Handling change isn’t my super power.

I cussed at the coffee maker and cussed at my updating laptop and totally forgot about the ipad with keyboard that I could have written on because I was stuck on some plan in my head.

Handling change isn’t my super power.

I’m sure that I could have found another table that would have worked.  Or, like happened, we found a way to move the living room for this one to work as it is.

It just took a little time, and didn’t turn out quite the way I planned it to.  I just needed to be a little more patient.

With myself.

And give my plan a little wiggle room.

Handling change isn’t my super power.

Even when I initiate the change in rearranging the room.  Even when the change is because of a falling apart desk that needs to be replaced.  Even when the change is to a plan that just won’t work.

I’m learning all of these skills in DBT, but sometimes when I’ve had a really rough week, it’s hard to put them to use.  I had a really hard time pulling out my book this week and doing the practice on my skills that I’ve been so great at working on up till now.  This week I’ve needed them the most, and I’ve used them the least.

Change in the skills I use is another form of change, I guess.

And handling change isn’t my super power.

But I’m still learning.

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