Anxiety

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post

I’m thankful for Waze, the GPS app, and the fact that even after it gives an approximate arrival time, it updates if a person is arriving late.

I wish there was an app that said “I know you were supposed to meet this person and they didn’t respond to texts, but I promise you, they aren’t dead, they just overslept.”

Logically, I know that’s probably what happened.  Emotionally, anxiety takes control and it takes everything in me not to find a way to their house to check.

But I guess I’m getting better, because 2 years ago I would have shown up, uninvited, and checked.  We won’t count how many times I showed up at Bat Woman’s house because she overslept.  “Sorry, I thought you died.”

Okay, I didn’t quite put it that way.  I found some funny excuse for being there.

But really it was my brain thinking she was dead and I had to check.

Kidlet, clear across the country  will show inactive on messenger for a day or two and my brain goes nuts.

Yes, I stalk those I love by the number of hours they’ve been inactive on messenger.

But I also know that isn’t all that accurate.  Parker kept showing up as active for days after she died, even though I had her signed off on all devices (freaked me out).  Then, one of the worst feelings in the world was watching her name slip further and further down the people I texted with often.

But I stalk them because I know what it’s like to get that shocking news and I don’t want it to be a shock next time.  I want to get ahead of it so I think out those worst case scenarios.

It would be a shock anyway.  I can’t outrun the horror of death.  Instead I spend time worrying about something that hasn’t occurred.

I’m working on it.

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