This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
I wonder how people see me.
And this isn’t a post asking for affirmations.
It is something I honestly wonder sometimes. How do I look to the outside world, without the lens I see myself through.
How do I look through Wonder Woman’s lens, not just physically, but emotionally, as a person, how does she see me.
What do I look like through the lens of my closest friends who have never actually seen me in person. How do they picture me in their minds eye when they have only met me through words on a screen.
What do my other friends see when they look at me? What do they think when they see me? Who am I through each persons personal lens.
What does my family see? My parents? My sisters? The people I grew up with?
I wonder what I look like, physically through these other lenses. Do they see the same flaws I do? Am I the same size and shape, do my clothes fit the same way, does my style come across the same way as it does through my own lens?
Am I even making any sense?
What stands out and makes me beautiful?
I wonder what they envision when they see my spirit. My soul. The part of me that makes me tick. The part of me that makes me, me. I wonder what they think of when they think of me. Who am I in everybody’s eyes?
How many versions of me are there?
Which one is real?
I know who I try to be, what I try to get across. I know that what I see in the mirror changes based on my mood and whose voice I hear in my head when I’m looking that day.
I know that my sense of self changes based on my mood too. Some days I can feel my worth, other days I can’t.
I guess it doesn’t matter what I look like through the lens other people wear, but sometimes I get curious about how I come across. I can share my words and my thoughts all day long but I still wonder if people actually know and understand who I really am.
I still feel really misunderstood a lot of the time.
I appreciate that people keep listening though.
And I still wonder, what do I look like?