Fifteen

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post

I feel really unaccomplished in my life.  I still struggle with the questions of “What do you do?” and  “What have you done?” because I feel like the answers to those are, nothing worth noting.

And people will say, I survived.  But did I really have a choice?  People will say I am strong.  But did I really, have a choice?  People will say I raised my son.  But, did I really have a choice?

When I can quit, I do.  I give up.  I fail.

I get back up, I try again, and again, and again, and if nothing else I have persistence.  But I haven’t really finished or succeeded at much of anything.

I’m on a 20 year plan for a college degree.  I’m registered for classes, again, next semester, at the local community college this time, where I need 15 credits to graduate with an AA.  I only need 15 credits because of the number that didn’t transfer from one school to the next, to the next, to the next, to the next.  I’ve wasted so much money.

I don’t even know if this is the right plan.  I don’t even know if it’s worth putting energy towards a degree that I might not really need since I’ll probably never finish the Master’s that I need to do what I want.

But damnit, I want to finish something.  I want the fucking piece of paper.  I don’t even care about walking across the fucking stage.  I just want to actually succeed at something I put my mind to that I have the option to quit.  

I want to stop being a failure.

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