Back On Track

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

I’m still having a hard time sticking with things.  Right now excuses are really easy, and writing is hard and the gym is hard and even leaving the house is hard.  I just want to hibernate.

I’m not really, depressed.  Like, I’m not sad.  I’m not suicidal.  I’m not the things that I’ve always identified with depression.

Maybe this is less mental health, and more common wintertime blah stuff.  Who knows.

Maybe it is seasonal depression stuff though.

Either way, I’m walking through sand.  Not a really wet sand that my feet completely sink into, but something just wet enough that I need a little extra effort.

I can’t really decide a topic to write on, and I’m tired of writing about the same old stuff.  I’m tired of playing the same games on the computer.  I’m tired of the same crafts, but also rushing to finish things up for Christmas.

I’m not really looking forward to the holiday.  I think I’ve started disliking Christmas now.  I love Thanksgiving because the focus is on the family and friends and food.  I hate Christmas because the focus is on stuff and I’m poor and every year I spend the entire month of December stressed over gifts and what to get or make for people and how they are going to feel about it.  I get frozen in the anxiety.

I actually had someone give me a gift back once.  I spent hours and hours making something, thinking they would love to have something I’d made, and they gave it back to me because they wouldn’t use it so they didn’t want it.

I’m not saying that’s the only reason I stress out over gift giving, but it doesn’t help.  I already feel like I’m not good enough, and then I feel like what I make or buy isn’t going to be good enough.  I worry about judgement connected to what I give.  I worry about all of it.

I really do hate Christmas.

This year Wonder Woman and I are planning a trip in a few months, instead of stuff, and honestly I think that’s the greatest idea ever.  I’m still worried about Christmas, but I’m not as anxious about buying a bunch of little stuff that may or may not be used or wanted.

I’d rather give things as I see them and know that someone might like them.  I’d rather show love to people that way all year long.

I’d rather focus on friends and food and love on the holiday and stop focusing on stuff.

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