This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
In the days and weeks leading up to this Jersey trip, especially as the depression set in more and more, I was looking forward to the trip less and less. I mean, I was excited for her. I was glad I’d be there while she got her tattoo, and I was glad I’d get to see her hometown, but as this weekend drew closer it became a case of “we’re just doing this”, in the most, almost resigned, I want to because it’s supporting her, but please just let me not leave the house ever again, kind of way.
By the time Saturday got here I was almost in tears leaving the house because my brain was screaming not to go, that two days out of the house was too much for my depressed brain to handle. Mix that with my anxiety over packing for a trip and it was kind of a wreck in my head.
Of course, I couldn’t and wouldn’t say any of it out loud before we left. I knew this was important to her, and that it was my depression talking. I knew I could say I wasn’t going and that it would be okay, but I also knew I would regret it.
The ride up there was the longest four hours ever. I just wanted to be sitting on my computer, not in a car, and I was dealing with a dog who didn’t want to sit still.
There were cute moments and I cracked a smile here and there, Wonder Woman has a way of doing that no matter how much my brain is being an asshole.
And at some point between last night and this morning, things changed.
I started really, really, enjoying myself. I still had moments where getting out of the car was hard and I just didn’t feel like it, but other moments were full of connection to the world and connection to my girl, and just love.
Reminders of why I’m still here.
Seeing where she grew up, learning about her in a whole different way, hearing more stories and different parts of the timeline.
I started to crawl out of the hole I’ve been in for too many weeks.
And standing on the water looking over at the NYC skyline tonight I felt fully alive for the first time in weeks.
I’m not saying I’m miraculously not depressed. It’s still there, and I’m already trying to figure out how to get out of going to my appointment tomorrow and how to cancel Christmas (but I won’t do either), but it gave me a break for a little while, and I got to see the beauty in the world again.
I love travelling. And this was so much more than just a little trip for a tattoo.