Harder

This is a Really Real Widow Post.

I’m ready for this day to be over.

It started off with video games and cuddles and a big home cooked breakfast, and it is ending with tears and writing, and in between there was a lot of cooking and eating and smiles with heartache behind them.

And the thing is, I don’t miss her all that much today.  Or at least, not that much more than normal.  It’s not like there was an extra helping of missing her for Christmas, but there was still an extra helping of grief.

It still made today harder.

Today was a nothing special kind of day.  We did dinner at Mickey’s house and I took the ham and green beans.  I shouldn’t have been stressed, it was no big deal, but underneath it all was this weight.

The weight of widowhood.

The weight I never get to sit down.

I don’t think about it all of the time, but on holidays it’s there.  Adding to the stress, subtracting from the joy.

It makes everything harder, every single day.

But today I could really feel it.  Today it pulled at me and tugged at me and I had a hard time holding myself together.

Today was just harder without her, not just because I miss her, I’ve learned to live around that, but just because of the weight that’s left because she’s gone.

Widowing isn’t easy.

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