This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

Music speaks to me.  

I hear certain songs and the lyrics grab me and I feel the need to share them with the world, and then I can’t understand why no one gets them the way I do.

I feel like the artist is speaking just to me, just to my situation.

Of course, that’s what they’re going for.

P!nk is my favorite artist (go figure) and I often rotate through which one of her songs is my favorite, but lately, in the mornings when I’m listening to her playlist while cleaning up the kitchen and getting myself coffee and breakfast, it catches me off guard every single time when “Who Knew” comes on.

“If someone said three years from now
You’d be long gone
I’d stand up and punch them out
‘Cause they’re all wrong and
That last kiss
I’ll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew”

It reaches in and grabs the part of me that’s still grieving.  The part of me that has a hard time remembering.  The part of me that honestly doesn’t remember the last time we kissed.

But there are other songs, happier songs, more uplifting songs that pull out the Self Saving Warrior Princess in me.  Rachel Platten’s “Fight Song” got me through the second half of 2016 and a good part of 2017.  “I Am Here” also by P!nk has been my battle anthem lately.

” I am here, I am here
I’ve already seen the bottom, so there’s nothing to fear
Know that I’ll be ready when the devil is near
I am here, I am here
All of this wrong, but I’m still right here
I don’t have the answers, but the question is clear”

Mostly it’s the lyrics that grab me. I’m not worried about the beat. There have been Contemporary Christian songs that have a certain verse or chorus that rip my heart out and make me sing along, country songs that have me in tears, rap, and heavy metal. Very few genres that don’t grab me at least occasionally.

Sometimes there’s an entire album. After the lead singer to Linkin Park died by suicide, Mike Shinoda, another vocalist for the group, wrote an album titled “Post Traumatic” primarily about grief and the after effects of losing someone. It was released right around the 2 year mark of Parker’s death and it was the perfect time for me to listen to an album like that. Allowing me to process all of the emotions I had felt in the previous 2 years.

I’m finding that writing is more of my way of processing now. There are still songs that grab me but I also spend more time listening to music without lyrics, music as background noise. I no longer need other people’s words to get my feelings out.

I’ve found more of my own.

But music is still a huge part of who I am.