Hurt

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

I’ve posted other times recently about how anger is a trigger for me, and how I’ve surrounded myself with people who I can communicate with and that makes it a bit easier.

Being able to say, I’m frustrated about this. And discussing it. Realizing it’s okay to get angry even if what I’m angry about isn’t that big of a deal, because that’s the purpose of communication. Talking it out.

Silencing my anger and frustration doesn’t work and builds resentment. Eventually that resentment explodes and that’s where the screaming and yelling comes in.

I don’t want to be that person anymore, and the only way not to be that person is to change my habits.

So I talk about what’s wrong, early. I tell people when I’m frustrated, and why. I open up the lines of communication.

The problem is, not everyone wants to communicate that way. When I say I’m frustrated about something, they get angry at me for being angry. As if I’m not allowed to be frustrated.

I spent years in a relationship like that.

I’ve spent a lifetime living in relationships like that.

Walking away and waiting for someone to make the next move is hard. Not knowing if they’ll ever be ready to meet me where I’m at is hard. Losing friends over growth is hard.

Losing someone after a fight, again, is hard.

It brings up all sorts of things for me and I spent part of today worrying about the day that this new relationship period ends for Wonder Woman and I and we get into our first ‘real’ fight. I worry about losing her over it. People like to leave me after fighting with me. They die, they walk away, they move across the country.

But I’m worth the work I’ve put into this growth and moving backwards because of a lack of communication in a friendship isn’t helpful. I deserve more.

My friendships deserve more.

But it still hurts.

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