Missed

This is a Really Real Widow Post.

Yesterday was the 8th of the month and I didn’t make a suicide awareness post.

I think I missed it by a day last month too.

And the fact is, the 8th doesn’t have the punch it once had and while I still think suicide awareness is important, I’ve stopped watching the calendar like a hawk and I don’t notice the date as often. I don’t even think about it approaching.

My grief is still changing.

It’s becoming more and more a part of me and the punches to my gut are happening less and less often.

While at the same time I ended therapy yesterday by tearing up and saying, “I miss her.”

I think I’ve found other ways to discuss and promote suicide awareness. I think my 8th of the month posts are less important while the subject matter is just as important as ever.

I no longer need to count the months she has been gone, and mark each one with a post. And when I do, the option is still there. I’m just no longer making myself remember the date out of some sense of obligation to her.

It’s not making her any more dead, or any more alive to mark the date that way. It no longer serves me well.

In a way, it feels like the end of something.

And people told me this would happen, told me the day would come, and I thought they were crazy. I guess I should listen to those who have walked this road before me.

She is missed and will always be missed. And that doesn’t change just because I’ve missed a date.

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