This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
Can you feel that?
It’s when you round the top of the hill on the roller coaster and you start dropping down the other side.
That moment when you feel it coming but you don’t know if it’s a small drop or a big one.
Is this one just going to last a few hours, or am I going to dip all the way down again?
Two mornings now that I couldn’t get up. I was awake, but couldn’t get out of bed no matter how hard I tried. I’m just going to close my eyes for another minute (an hour passes). One more minute (another hour). If I don’t get up right now I’m going to be rushing (another 30 minutes). I barely have time to let the dog out and feed her (another 15 minutes).
Tonight I just wanted a short nap and it turned into an epic episode of depression napping. Caught in that hell where I’m not really sleeping but I can’t really pull myself out of bed. I don’t even have the energy to grab my phone and mindlessly scroll facebook so I just lay there and think about,
I’m not even sad really. Not even all that distressed. Not all that upset. Not suicidal. Not stressed out.
I’m just, here. Just going through the motions.
School starts in a few weeks, wonder if I can hold it together through the semester this time.
It feels so strange to actually notice how bad I feel without really feeling all that bad. I’m used to the highs and the extreme lows and this winter it just seems different. We have the bipolar controlled really really well, so I’m not swinging all over the place, I’m not getting the break in the form of hypomania. Instead, my baseline is mild depression and my breakthroughs are just more severe depression. This almost seems worse because I don’t get the breaks. It’s certainly less exciting, less dramatic. Being healthier is hard fucking work and it takes a toll.
But in the grand scheme of things, going back over the last 20 years of dealing with this, the depression isn’t that bad. But it’s still hard. I’m still tired all of the time. I go to the gym and close my eyes on the elliptical and just want to sleep through it. I’m doing my exercises at Physical Therapy with my eyes closed because it’s too much work to keep them open.
I’m ready for spring, or actually, I’m ready for summer because spring is historically my worst period and while I’m hoping to break that cycle this year, I’m still worried about it.
I’m ready to have something super happy to post about again. My life is overall really good, but the mundane every day stuff is getting to me right now.
The routine is too routine.