Driven By a Motor

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

There’s a meme floating around about Executive Function Disorder and ADHD, and I really wish it were easier to find memes that float around on facebook so that I could better quote what it says but basically it’s the idea that your brain gets stuck, and you go to do something, but you feel like you can’t do it until something else happens . . .except there is no something else. So you’re stuck waiting, but you have no idea what you’re waiting for and there really is no other thing.

Yesterday I was working on a project and I was hungry. I put the oven on to preheat, pulled out my amazing artichoke and cheese strudel from the freezer and sat down to work on my project some more. Ten minutes later I wanted to get up and put the food in the oven. I thought about it, but I couldn’t. I was hungry, the oven was preheated by then, but I couldn’t stop what I was doing to go put the food in the oven.

I spent 20 minutes trying to redirect my focus, the entire time trying to push myself but I felt like I was waiting, waiting, waiting, for something to happen before I could switch gears.

Finally I slammed my chair back in what seemed like a sudden action to Wonder Woman, but to me, the action had taken 20 minutes of fighting with my own brain to make happen.

It also happens the other way around. I’ll be on a chain of cleaning, straightening, going from one task to the next, just wanting to sit down and rest, but I’m driven, to this, to this, to this, to this, what’s next, it’s not time to sit yet, what’s next, what’s next, this, to this. Wonder Woman said it’s like being driven by a motor and that really is the best way to describe it.

It may seem nice to get that much done but when I’m begging myself to sit down and I can’t do it, I can’t just stop, that’s not fun, it’s like my body is out of my own control.

I don’t honestly know if this is an ADHD quirk, or a bipolar quirk, or some other mental quirk. I don’t know if it’s Executive Function Disorder cause I’m not the professional and my therapist is more of a “treat the symptom don’t label it” kind of person.

I know it’s frustrating when it happens, and it happens with school work, and work work, and trying to care for the animals, and trying to do self care, and trying to do basically anything.

Its especially frustrating when it happens a lot back to back, and some days are worse than others.

But mostly, I just learn to live around it, just like the rest of this bullshit.

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