This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
There is a voice in my head.
The one that says I must not exist anymore.
The one that says it’s time to die.
Even on the good days it’s there.
The smallest inconvenience makes it speak up, and tell me it is the easiest way to avoid.
And sometimes it gets sneaky and tries to plan ahead.
Not suicidal today, but may be tomorrow, or the next, or another week, so lets put things in place.
Maybe lets get her to open the safe.
“I can be safe around meds now, just leave them out.”
I have to constantly be on guard. Stay one step ahead. Find moments when the voice isn’t listening and remind those around me to protect me from myself.
I don’t want it to win. I have too many mistakes left to make, too many frustrations left to handle, to many anxieties left to worry over.
It is just a series of thoughts, I try to sit with them, they are overwhelming.
How do you sit with the thought of suicide when you have seen the outcome?
I want to run away from it, but it’s in my own head and my only way out would be to let it win.
But today is a good day. I’m not sad, the voice is quiet, I don’t need to outsmart it right now.
Tomorrow is another day and I will face that moment in that time.
But I am always on the lookout, always guarded, I never know when the thought will sneak up to remind me. . . .
Death is always an option.
No matter how hard I try not to believe, I know it’s true, because I’ve seen it with my own eyes.