This is a Really Real Widow Post.
Today I found a picture of Parker I didn’t know existed. It was like finding a treasure buried in time, and it was found at the perfect moment, when I was alone for the weekend to grieve in solitude.
I had the picture open, full screen on my computer, talking to her. Asking her why she left, if she could have known that life really could get better? I told her how much I missed her, how much she took from the world by leaving. I told her how more people needed to see the light in her eyes. How the world needed her humor, her smart ass way about things, even her stubbornness. I told her how happy I was now, and I asked her if she knew, if she could see me now or if the afterlife was just something I needed to get me through those earlier days of grief.
I’m so undecided on that and probably always will be.
As I was talking to Parker’s photo, with tears gently running down my face, Facebook refreshed on my second screen and photos from the derby event came up, with a picture of Wonder Woman prominently displayed. I opened it full screen on that monitor.
Two screens, two pictures, two woman who I love with all of my heart.
One love didn’t end just because the other began.
I couldn’t have predicted this as the journey life would take me on.
I wanted my forever with Parker, we moved to a state where we could legally get married when that was so hard to do, we looked forward to the day that we could be old and grey, talking about nothing in our rocking chairs on the front porch.
And that story was cut short.
I only get to talk to her through fireflies and pictures and the occasional “Damn it, Parker!” when something goes wrong.
And then in walked Wonder Woman.
I wasn’t looking for anything serious, I wasn’t ready to find my forever person, and I wanted to date around for awhile before settling down. I wasn’t even sure if forever was in my vocabulary again. Well . . .
I didn’t plan on writing this version of the story. I didn’t plan on having these two pictures up side by side.
I’m happy with the story I’m writing. Life took me on some treacherous roads, full of bumps and curves with some steep drop offs on the sides and I’ve made it this far.
I’m enjoying my journey.
Sometimes this journey includes talking to Parker’s photo and questioning the existence of an afterlife, while also missing Wonder Woman and making goo goo eyes at her photo because I just adore her!