This is a Really Real Widow Post.
I follow a lot of grief blogs and Facebook pages and something I read today discussed how a lot of people expect us to just “get over” being widowed because we have a partner.
That just doesn’t happen though.
Anyway, someone goes on to mention that, when their partner goes out of town, missing them is like missing their dead spouse. Even though they know it’s not the same, their subconscious still pulls up grief.
I consider myself this independent person, I thought I had stopped with most of my codependent ways, but when I miss Wonder Woman, I really MISS WONDER WOMAN. But that doesn’t make any sense to me. I know she is alive, I knew she is coming back, I knew she isn’t gone-gone, but it feels like grief.
It was nice to see this reflected in someone else’s words.
This doesn’t just happen to me when Wonder Woman is out of town.
She was unemployed for 6 months and we spent a lot of time together, and now she works long days out of the house, or our schedules are opposite and we’ll go from super early in the morning until almost bedtime without seeing each other. It almost feels like those early days when I had to learn how to exist without Parker by my side.
Not the actual act of doing things. Not that at all. I’m fiercely independent now and will figure out how to do things on my own and being alone most of the day has only reinforced my ability to figure out all of the things.
But as soon as I realize I miss her, it knocks me back a few steps. It’s a punch in the gut that sometimes will have me curled up in bed like the early days of grief, and I’m laying there wondering why I’m being so ridiculous.
I try to blame it on depression or being over tired or just anything but missing her, but the fact is, it’s grief. It’s this weird feature of widowhood where my brain doesn’t quite know how to miss my partner without pulling up what it’s like to miss the one that’s never coming back.
And that’s why I will always be a widow no matter what other title I take on.
That’s why I don’t stop being a widow just because I’m in love again.
And while it’s a pretty crappy feature of this title, it’s nice to know I’m not alone.