Mixed

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

Monday is therapy day.  It’s one of my favorite days of the week, sometimes.  I get to sit and vent to someone who is paid to listen to me.  She gathers all of the information I dump at her, and then bounces it back at me in one giant picture made of the pieces that I often don’t see as related.

And yesterday what I saw is that I’m not just going hypomanic like I thought I was, but instead I am seeing the beginning of a mixed episode.

Late February and March are always hard for me.  The cold weather mixed with the longer days leads to a mix in my mood.  Mania and depression combine into one; what looks like balance is actually a life quickly vacillating between polar extremes.

It’s the reason I’m up up up and then crashing so hard.  The reason I want to do all of the things, but also can’t settle on any of them.  The reason I want to crawl out of my skin.

Yesterday when I got home from therapy I crashed hard.  I was angry, and sad, and frustrated.

I just don’t want to be bipolar anymore.  I don’t want to deal with this again this year after last years was just so bad.  I just want to be “normal.”

So I came home and I went to bed.  And I stayed in bed.  Five hours later, Wonder Woman came home and I was still just lying in the bed, awake.

I needed an evening of self pity before I could Self Saving Warrior Princess my way through this shit.

This is happening.  I don’t get to be “normal,” whatever that is.  I am bipolar and I don’t get to just will it away.  This is reality and I need to do the best I can with it.

I had already called my pdoc and we tweaked my meds a bit to try to make this mood episode as smooth as possible.  I have a MUCH bigger toolbox this year and I’m really damn good at using these tools.  I have an amazing support network.  I have lots of years of practice with mixed mood episodes except now I actually know what they are.  I planned out some logistical stuff so that I don’t spend myself into a hole or make other irreversible decisions.

This morning I got up, and I went to school, and then I went to DBT, and I did all of the things (Including waiting TWO FUCKING HOURS for my mobility ride home!), and tonight I feel much better about the whole situation.

This time of year sucks, but I can either focus on that, or I can focus on making it to the other side.

I’m gonna do my best to keep my sights set on the other side.

One thought on “Mixed

  1. I love this,
    Thank you so much for opening up to the blogging world. Truly blessed to learn about your thoughts throughout this personal experience.
    Thank you, warrior.

    Like

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