This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
Monday is therapy day. It’s one of my favorite days of the week, sometimes. I get to sit and vent to someone who is paid to listen to me. She gathers all of the information I dump at her, and then bounces it back at me in one giant picture made of the pieces that I often don’t see as related.
And yesterday what I saw is that I’m not just going hypomanic like I thought I was, but instead I am seeing the beginning of a mixed episode.
Late February and March are always hard for me. The cold weather mixed with the longer days leads to a mix in my mood. Mania and depression combine into one; what looks like balance is actually a life quickly vacillating between polar extremes.
It’s the reason I’m up up up and then crashing so hard. The reason I want to do all of the things, but also can’t settle on any of them. The reason I want to crawl out of my skin.
Yesterday when I got home from therapy I crashed hard. I was angry, and sad, and frustrated.
I just don’t want to be bipolar anymore. I don’t want to deal with this again this year after last years was just so bad. I just want to be “normal.”
So I came home and I went to bed. And I stayed in bed. Five hours later, Wonder Woman came home and I was still just lying in the bed, awake.
I needed an evening of self pity before I could Self Saving Warrior Princess my way through this shit.
This is happening. I don’t get to be “normal,” whatever that is. I am bipolar and I don’t get to just will it away. This is reality and I need to do the best I can with it.
I had already called my pdoc and we tweaked my meds a bit to try to make this mood episode as smooth as possible. I have a MUCH bigger toolbox this year and I’m really damn good at using these tools. I have an amazing support network. I have lots of years of practice with mixed mood episodes except now I actually know what they are. I planned out some logistical stuff so that I don’t spend myself into a hole or make other irreversible decisions.
This morning I got up, and I went to school, and then I went to DBT, and I did all of the things (Including waiting TWO FUCKING HOURS for my mobility ride home!), and tonight I feel much better about the whole situation.
This time of year sucks, but I can either focus on that, or I can focus on making it to the other side.
I’m gonna do my best to keep my sights set on the other side.