Month: March 2019

The good kind of boring.

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This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

I’m not really sure how many days it’s been since my last post.

Only a day or two, I guess, but it feels much longer than that.  I’m on more solid ground again, can’t even believe that I was so low, so recently.

Today I officiated at a derby bout and there were a few people who asked how I was doing, then, when I said I was doing good, they gave me that look.  That look like, “What aren’t you telling us?”

I don’t exactly understand it either, two days ago my brain was trying to kill me.  Two days ago walking out into traffic seemed like a perfectly logical plan.  And now, I’m fine.  Nothing has changed.  No medication changes, no major life changes, nothing.

Welcome to life with mental illness.  Don’t like what’s on the mood channel?  Wait a few minutes, it’ll change!

Except it doesn’t always happen that way.

Sometimes, you really want it to change and it doesn’t.  Sometimes, you really want it to stay where it is, and it changes.  Sometimes, you are intensely suicidal one day, and then back to boring old mixed mood symptoms the next.

I’m happy with this kind of boring.  This is the good kind of boring.

The dishes are piling up in the sink because I’m pushing hard enough to find the motivation to cook, but I’m having a hard time finding the motivation to clean up afterwards.

I’m okay with that.

I’m getting hyperfocused on projects that take me all day, and then looking for the next project, and the next, and I must do all of the things.

I’m okay with that.

My sleep is either too much or too little.

I’m okay with that.

I’m still struggling to stick to a budget and I really can explain exactly why it’s perfectly logical for me to buy everything.

I’m okay with that.

I have to talk myself into showering and even brushing my teeth.

I’m okay with that.

I haven’t been to the gym in 2 weeks or more.

I’m not really okay with that, but I’m not ready to change it either.

This is the good kind of boring.  This is the kind of boring that isn’t trying to kill me.

I see my pdoc on Tuesday and I’m sure we’ll talk about all of this.  I have a nice, month worth of notes for her.  I have no idea if we’ll change medications or not, but at least we can talk about what options there are and if we want to consider changing something.  Some of this isn’t really fixable.  Unfortunately, some of this is just riding it out, weathering the storm, and using my skills to make the best of it.

This is the good kind of boring, though.  I’ll take it.

 

 

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

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This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

TW: Suicidal Thoughts with plan and intent.

This is a rough one friends.  One I wasn’t sure I was going to write out because I knew it would get intense and honestly, I wasn’t sure I wanted to shine light into these dark spaces, but I know it’s better out then in.

And I’ve learned that people actually do care to hear about it.

But seriously, this was one of my darker moments, so take care of yourself and only read on if you are up to that.

I’m going to preface it by saying I am safe now, and feeling much better.  I did eventually reach out, my therapist knows what’s going on, there’s a safety plan in place, and I’ll reach out again if I wobble.

Shit got real dark, real fast after my last post.

I talked myself out of the house, got dressed and went for that walk.  Grumbled about it but did it because I knew it was good for me and I knew I’d feel better for it.  I was listening to great music, dancing and singing along in my head.

And then something flipped, and I was just over it all, over dealing with the depression and the mania and the mixed episodes, and this time of year being so horrible for me again and again no matter how much I try to make it better.

And then I wondered, when they found my body, who would they contact.  My sister and Batwoman are still my emergency contact at some of the local hospitals, it hasn’t been switched over to Wonder Woman yet.  So I contacted both of them to make sure they had Wonder Woman’s contact info, “Just in case something happened.”

And I started walking for the main road.

I’m not going to type out the full extent of what happened.  There’s no need for it. But there’s about an hour of time that I was in a really really dark space.  I had a plan, went way too close to it, realized it would possibly leave me hurt and not dead, came up with another plan and went towards that, realized access was blocked off, and headed home for pills that I knew were accessible.

I’m thankful that, pills and drink in hand, I saw something with Wonder Woman’s name on it and I decided to text my therapist instead.  The act of typing out what had been happening was enough to make the thoughts quiet down to a dull roar that I could fight.

I don’t actually want to die, but it would be really nice if my brain would stop trying to kill me.

My therapist wasn’t able to get back to me for a few hours and by then I had gotten together with Batwoman so I wasn’t alone for the few hours until Wonder Woman got home.

The pills have been locked up with the rest of the meds now.  We discussed the possible need for a babysitter over the next few days.  I declined, the fog has cleared and that’s not saying it won’t come back (it always does, eventually) but the honest truth is we have no way of knowing if it’ll get that bad again in the next 24 hours, or if it’ll be another year.

I feel wobbly right now.  That was as close as I’ve been in a long while.  I wasn’t sure I could fight them and I wasn’t even trying.

I hate that I’m putting myself through this.  I hate that the people around me have to deal with me like this.  I hate that no matter how far I come, these thoughts can show up and knock it all out from under me and leave me feeling completely powerless.

I want to live and I hate feeling like the only way through is death.

Sleep All Day

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This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

This is one of my longer ones.

I stayed in bed till after 1pm.

Then I was angry at myself because the sink was full of dishes from two nights ago and I couldn’t even make myself my “morning” cup of coffee until I washed them.

Which meant putting away the last set of dishes I washed.

All I wanted was a fucking cup of coffee.

No, really I just wanted to be in bed sleeping still, because, fuck today.

See, yesterday I had a really full day and I had it planned out perfectly.  Mobility ride to DBT, Mobility picking me up right afterwards and taking me to the library where I could get lunch and then work on homework until the NAMI meeting, Mobility picking me up right afterwards and taking me to the Skating Rink for Roller Derby, and then catching a ride home with someone.

And then Mobility was 30 minutes late in the morning and left me anxious the whole way to DBT, barely getting me there on time.  Then they were hours late picking me up from DBT, leaving me sitting in the waiting room when I should have been doing homework, and getting me to the NAMI meeting 30 minutes late.  Then they were late picking me up from the NAMI meeting, and the library closed, and I wasn’t really dressed for the change in temperature after the sun went down so I stood outside in the cold for 30 minutes and got to Derby later then I should have.

It didn’t help that all of the late running rides left me no time to grab food before the NAMI meeting I didn’t eat from 10am till almost 11pm.

Normally I feel like I’m lucky to have Mobility (paratransit, door to door public transportation for people that are disabled), and I am, it’s far more possible for me then buses would be.  But lately they have been so late, so often, and it’s been causing so many problems for me.

This time I was already crashing into depression, but when I feel like I am getting kicked by transportation issues every time I turn around, it wears on me.  I ended up in tears more than once.

And this morning I just couldn’t function.  I turned off my alarm and didn’t go to school.  I stayed in bed all day and didn’t bother fighting it until I knew my body would ache too much if I didn’t climb out.

I fight against this so hard, so often, and sometimes there is just no fight left.  I haven’t been to the gym in who knows how long.  Normally I can at least find some string to grab hold of so I can get myself there, but right now, every time it’s brought up, I say no.  I don’t feel like fighting it, because I’m fighting too many other battles with myself.

This time of year is so so hard, so far I’m handling it better than I have in years past but it’s still there pulling at me.  Reminding me that even with growth I’ll still have to fight against this with everything I have sometimes.  It hurts and it’s hard and I hate it.  I want to just lay there in bed and give up.

I would love it if all this mental health shit would go a bit easier on me.  I honestly, sometimes, feel like with everything I’ve been through, I deserve an easier time with this.

But it is what it is.  This is where I’m at and what I’ve been given.

And right now I’m crafting and working on some small projects, and sometime today I’m going to go out for a walk and try to get some fresh air.  My sink is empty because I did all of the dishes.  I have a really yummy dinner planned for tonight.  As hard as it is, I’m still fighting against this.  And when I list it all out, I realize that I really am winning so many battles.

Even though I slept most of the day, even though I still want to be there in bed, and I just want to give up . . .

I’m not.

Adulting

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This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

When coming out of depression, I clean up any mess that piled up while even basic functioning was difficult.  This typically means doing some extra dishes, cleaning up more around the house, catching up on school work, and maybe a few extra difficult days at the gym while I get back into the routine.

When coming out of mania/hypomania, I clean up any mess of my life that I made while I was making irrational decisions that seemed incredibly rational at the time.  This meant today was spent visiting multiple stores and returning things that I at least had the foresight to leave unopened.

My therapist mentioned that in the past I would do way more irreversable damage while manic, and I would come out of it a tearful mess as I crashed back down to earth and realized just how out of control my emotions had gotten.  This time I used a lot of tools to stay mindful of what was going on.  I was incredibly aware of my mental state.  I made some unwise decisions with money, but still made sure the bills were paid first, and didn’t open all of the things I bought so that I could still return them.

There’s still some catch up that will need to be played financially.  I still spent money that I didn’t plan on spending, but it’s not as bad as it could have been.

And now I’m just kind of here.

My head is still spinning from the high of mania, almost like withdraw from whatever chemicals and neurotransmitters cause that high.  I’m also still convinced that this is part of this mixed mood deal because underneath all of it is still a depressive mood that just won’t quit.

At least the suicidal thoughts have stayed quiet for a few days now.

I do have to say, I’m so so so thankful for the friendships I have online and in person.  I’ve had 3 or 4 people routinely checking in with me through messenger.  Just a quick “Hey, how are you doing?” throughout the day every day since Friday.

Not everyone has that kind of support.  I’m lucky that I have it.  I appreciate them so much more than I think they know.  Support like that is what helps to keep me going through the hard stuff.

I already miss the fun part of the mania, but I don’t miss the increased anxiety, and I don’t miss the constant beating myself up for spending money and not being able to stop it.

I’m sure I’ll end up going round and round again at some point.  It isn’t like I get to step off of this roller coaster.

But I do get some control over it now.

And that’s pretty amazing.

Monday Question of the Day!

/ Self Saving Warrior Princess / 2 Comments

How do you relax after a hard day?

I will sometimes go for a walk after a particularly rough patch, but more often I will veg out on the computer.  Mindlessly scrolling Facebook or playing a video game.  Cuddles with my fiancee are always a good way to de-stress as well, and it’s something we try to do every night, but especially if it was a rough night.

How about you, how do you relax after a hard day?

Zoom Zoom

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This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

I wish I could take a side step off of this roller coaster and just settle.

Wheeeeeeeee.  I’m up high.

I was driving last night and my anxiety was through the roof.  Every time another car came near me I was seeing the impending accident.  It’s not all that often that I get to drive, and normally I love it, but last night was just terrifying.  Luckily it was late enough that there weren’t many cars on the road and I only had to focus on my own anxiety about the car blowing up or a tire blowing or something happening to cause me to have an accident by myself.

I didn’t go to bed till after 5:30 in the morning.  Just couldn’t stop.

Unfortunately I can’t get wrapped up into productive things like cleaning the house, which would be nice right now after a week of depression, instead I’m crafting and making more of a mess.  But I’m having fun and making really cool things, so there’s that.

My brain is going a million miles a second and my urge is to drink coffee and take my ADHD meds and stay awake and focused and keep going going going, but I also know that it is an incredibly bad idea to do such things so I’m avoiding coffee (WHAT!?!) and my ADHD meds until I float back down.

I’m hoping I don’t just suddenly crash.

I also wonder how much of this is a mixed episode (and why do I even care, it is just exactly what it is) because my body image issues are still there this time.

I’m not getting comments about my “amazing energy” from strangers and those comments are always a sure sign that I’m going manic.  I’m still pretty withdrawn and not interacting with people on the street and in stores so I’ve probably got a pretty good lid on it.

It’s probably just more mixed episode.  At least the suicidal thoughts are gone for now.

But my thoughts are going zoom zoom all over my brain.  I feel like there’s an interrogation light in my skull and shining onto the back of my eyes and like the bright light is shining out everywhere and everyone can see.  Not literally, but I just feel like I’m radiating, something.  Like I’m vibrating with the number of thoughts that are pinging around all over the place.

And they are dying to get out, I want to talk about them but I can’t organize them enough to get them into the air.

And I want to buy all of the things.  I NEED to buy all of the things, Right, Now.

And I have really good reasons for wanting all of the things Right Now.  And they make perfect sense in my head.  But they probably don’t make actual sense in the long run and sometimes it’s so hard to understand how something can seem so clear and true right now, but once this neurotransmitter induced high wears off it will seem so dumb.

I have to live with any of the decisions I make now, even once I come back down.

Mania seems like so much fun from the outside.  But from the inside, it’s just a different kind of mental illness hell.

Friday Question of the Day.

/ Self Saving Warrior Princess / 6 Comments

What are you proud of yourself for this week?

I had a really rough couple of days and I’ve done a great job with self care even though it was hard. I’ve also done better with sitting with hard thoughts and feelings and accepting them for what they are instead of fighting against them.

It’s made a rough time just a little bit easier.

What about you? What are you proud of yourself for this week?

Thursday Question of the Day!

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Today’s Question:  What is something you feel is missing in your life?

For me right now, it’s local friends.

I have tons of online friends.

I have an amazing, fulfilling, relationship.

I have my derby friends who I see at roller derby events and scrimmages.

I have my best friend who I see on gym days, and really almost every day.

But it would be really nice to have other people to do things with locally.  I’m an incredibly social being and I love the idea of just having people I can call up and say “let’s grab lunch” or “let’s go to the mall” and I’d love a variety of people to do this with.

I’m working on getting out more to places where making friends is possible, but it’s hard because most people I meet are very busy and I’m pretty busy, so finding time in the calendar is difficult and eventually people give up.  Plus, with mental illness in the way, sometimes I’m not the most in touch friend.

What about you, what are you missing?

Soul Sucking Sadness

/ Self Saving Warrior Princess / 3 Comments

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

Trigger Warning:  Suicidal Thoughts

It is amazing how quickly I go from “eh, I’m having a bit of a rough time, but things are pretty good.” to “Holy shit, I’m in over my head and my thoughts are scaring me.”

adult alone backlit black and white

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

 

It’s hard to believe that 5 days ago I was proposing to my future wife and today I’m thinking about ending my life.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m mostly safe.  I know the thoughts are just thoughts and I’m able to let them pass through without acting on them, but sometimes they’re getting awful loud.

I am supposed to be away at a conference today and tomorrow.  Was supposed to leave a few hours ago.  The school paid for my ticket and lodging and I was going to ride up with Batwoman.  I was really looking forward to the topic and the discussions that I’d be a part of.  But my anxiety kicked in so badly that I just couldn’t go.  I started looking for any escape to avoid it, including the idea of death and that’s when I realized I just needed to give myself permission to cancel.

It fucking sucks though, because I wanted to be there, and on top of that I’m letting people down by not going.  Batwoman got stuck going alone and dealing with her own anxiety, and the school is out the money they paid for my ticket, and there are probably people who wanted to go and couldn’t because I said I was going and now I didn’t.

It’s one of those times where taking care of myself and doing what I knew I had to do makes me feel like a total fuck up.  One of those times where my mental health feels like it has total control of me and like I’ll never really get control of it.

I cancelled going to Roller Derby last night as well, for the same reason.  My anxiety is out of control.  I’m not quite to the point where I can’t leave the house, but anything having to do with crowds of people and the thought of it makes me want to recoil.  Normally I can push past it, but right now it just feels like too much.  The thought of pushing beyond the anxiety makes me literally suicidal.

If I’m dead I don’t have to deal with this anxious bullshit.

If I’m dead I don’t have to keep letting people down.

If I’m dead I don’t have to keep fighting my own brain just to live an average life.

If I’m dead I don’t have to worry about becoming home bound again.

If I’m dead I don’t have to worry.

Wonder Woman is going out of town for the weekend and I’ve already played out the fact that it would be two days before anyone found me.

Of course I immediately chastised myself for even having those thoughts, but they’re there.  What good is it beating myself up for thoughts, I just let them pass through, but this is what it’s like in my head when it gets dark up there.

So, I take more of the medication that I’m supposed to increase when this stuff happens.  I get myself out of bed early and make myself do the dishes and follow some sort of routine.  I sit down and write and shine some light into all of the dark spaces.

And I hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Wednesday Question of the Day!

/ Self Saving Warrior Princess / 5 Comments

Halfway there! How is your week so far?

I’m still fighting grief with some depression mixed in. Also still on cloud nine because I have a fiancée! I skipped school yesterday and got a lot done that needed doing and today I have DBT. I’m supposed to leave for a conference tomorrow morning but I’m having a ton of anxiety about it and might back out.

Overall it’s a medium week.

How about your week?