This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
In yesterday’s episode, I had crashed hard and pulled myself out of it enough to get dressed and go to the gym.
It worked! Chatting with Bat Woman and bitching about all of the things while getting coffee, then blasting music through my ears while dying on the elliptical did the trick.
And on a different note . . .
I’m constantly realizing how different my relationship with Wonder Woman is. How much healthier. And it’s still taking some getting used to.
I leave in 24 hours for a 4 day trip to see one of my closest friends. I’m not used to being comfortable leaving to do my own thing. I’m not used to wanting to do my own thing.
I’m used to feeling like I need permission or guidance to do my own thing.
This time, other then checking in to make sure she’d be home to take care of Siah (the dog), there was no need to make sure Wonder Woman was okay with it. I’m trying to remember if I ever asked “do you mind?” in relation to this trip, but if I did, it was out of habit and not out of necessity.
That’s new to me. And I think the change is mostly me.
I was really good at being codependent. Parker and I fell into that style of relationship very well. But, I think she would have been perfectly happy for me to go off and do my own thing, and I couldn’t at the time because I needed her for comfort and security. I didn’t know how to exist without her beside me.
Death has a way of challenging that.
I’m still slightly amazed that I can take trips like this and not be a complete mess for days leading up to the trip. In this case, I planned the trip less than a week ago and here we are 24 hours before I leave and I haven’t made a single list. And I won’t, I’ll just throw some stuff in a suitcase sometime tonight, pack my CPAP in the morning, and head on my way.
What’s the worst that can happen? (Now I’ve gone and done it.)