No Change Please

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

I’m having a really hard time with change right now.

Even when the change is good for me, but especially when it isn’t.

If I expect _this_ to happen and _that_ is going to happen instead…

Fuck.

That.

All hell breaks loose in my head.  I feel the rage building.

I want to throw a temper tantrum.

I’ve been working on sitting with that feeling.  Seeing what I can do with it.  I know it’s irrational, things change all the damn time.

Sometimes the change is good for me.  I’m too tired to go someplace, and plans change last minute and I no longer need to go, it makes zero sense that I get angry.  Sitting with that feeling of upset is hard though.  I want to react to it.

But when there’s a change in plans that I have no control over?  What happens when I was really looking forward to something and it ends up not being able to happen?  There’s a mixture of rage and disappointment.  There’s a feeling of being let down.  I feel it settle in the pit of my gut and I want to lash out.  I want everyone to know that it isn’t fair.

But it wouldn’t do anyone any good for me to lash out.

I haven’t yet figured out how to find the balance between speaking up about my disappointment, dwelling on it, and just ignoring it and letting it dissipate.  Sometimes squashing my feelings isn’t healthy, but spending too much time focusing on them or complaining about them isn’t healthy either.

There is no easy answer.

I’m stuck tonight.  Feeling that gut wrenching upset in the pit of my stomach and being unsure of what to do with it.  Is it me, is it just my mental illness, is it just that I’m sick in the head and I need to deal with this on my own.  Or am I right to be upset over this and I need to speak up.

Just because I overreact sometimes doesn’t mean I’m never allowed to react.  But how do I know what is an appropriate reaction when I’ve been overreacting for so long?

How do I know when I’m just upset because of change, and when I’m upset because of the thing that caused the change?

How about we just avoid changing things?  If everything goes the way I have it planned in my little head, I’ll be a much happier person.

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