This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
And a Really Real Relationship Post.
And a Really Real Widow Post.
This is a post I’m writing Saturday morning but I won’t post till at least Saturday night because Wonder Woman cannot know about it.
I’m more anxious than I can ever remember being, and I cannot talk to the one person I want to talk to most.
I’ve kept secrets all week long from the one person I don’t want to keep secrets from.
But it’s for her own good.
Tonight is the night.
Tonight I ask her to marry me. Tonight I ask her to be my forever. A step I wasn’t sure I’d ever want to take again after it was taken from me so suddenly.
Right now I’m more anxious than I can ever remember being but also more excited. I’m thinking of all of the things that can go wrong tonight, but also thinking of the look on her face and all the ways this can go right.
I’m not a great secret keeper, I think she has it figured out by now, that it’s happening tonight, but she has no way of knowing when or how.
She’s done so many amazing things with me, taken me on trips and experiences that I’ve never gotten to have before. I wanted her to have this experience. I wanted our derby people to be there to see this. I wanted the world to see this. I’m so thankful that from my little idea of “I want it to happen at the roller derby bout” to this final idea, there has been so much input from the people around us. This wasn’t just me, it was a group effort and it is going to be amazing.
But I’m so very fucking anxious. I don’t do crowds and I don’t do public speaking and tonight I’ll be standing up in front of a crowd with a mic to ask my girl to marry me.
But I don’t get to leave my widowhood behind, even in this, unfortunately. Mixed in with the excitement and the anxiety is a guilt. Is it too soon, am I leaving Parker behind by moving forward. Am I forgetting who she was and what we had by asking someone else to stand in the space she once held. Am I giving up my title of widow because I want to take on the title of wife?
There’s also a grief. The grief of knowing how much I have grieved to be at this place after 2 years and 9 months. I couldn’t have predicted this, and in the shock of my newly formed grief I couldn’t have believed that in less than 3 years I’d be asking another woman to marry me. I didn’t think I’d ever believe in forever again.
But I’m not naive. Forever is something we hope for, and wish for, and strive for. But even a ring doesn’t guarantee forever. It can be taken away in an instant. I could go to bed a fiance, go to bed a wife, and wake up a widow, again. I’m constantly thinking of all of the things that can go wrong in a relationship, all the things that can go wrong in our life.
But I’m also thinking of all of the things that can go right.
With this knowledge I am asking Wonder Woman to marry me.
I’m the most excited, and the most anxious, I can ever remember being.
Tonight is the night.
And she said yes!